Keeping our fingers crossed :)!

So much is changin' (not just the size of my belly :)... 6 months down, a few more to go. Then she arrives! But that's not all that'll be taking place this spring. We're heading back to Texas, the land of blue skies with puffy clouds and sunny summer days!

Mirabelle's growin'!

This will be our final summer in Texas for Jose's (my husband's) summer internships... because he graduates next May :)! Yay! Planning for our summer stay in Texas is always an adventure. So many things are usually up in the air (housing, borrowing a car for the summer, etc.). This is partly why I cannot wait to settle down! Ah, it'll be nice to live in a cozy home. Though our apartment here on the East Coast is cozy, we're really looking forward to establishing our roots/having our own place. That probably won't happen for a few years, since we want to focus on paying off student loans first, but we will be able to rent a home when he graduates/we permanently move back to Texas next spring -- and that'll be a nice change.

We thought we'd have to wait until next spring to move into a house (to rent), but it seems it might happen sooner than expected! And it's a cottage! And I want to live in a cottage! I am so excited! So what is all of this about? During our final 7 weeks in Texas, Jose will be interning at a firm in Austin. We were considering living in a furnished apartment (corporate housing)...but, my goodness, that will require us to pay a pretty penny! More like a gorgeous penny made out of gold. So I did some searching on the web a few days ago (ahhh... the beauty of the internet) and I came across this cozy furnished little cottage; it is so so so much more affordable than a furnished apartment (the monthly rate is cheaper than what we pay to live here!). And it's available for rent! Only thing is, it seems we aren't the only ones interested in this cute house :/. But I did get a chance to speak to the owner and the phone call ended on a positive note, so I'm hopeful :). We find out Wednesday if it's ours (for the 7 week period only, of course ;). Oh, but it'll be so fun!

In the meantime, we're just trying to make it through this extremely cold winter. So the crafting continues. It seems Harvey wanted to be in the spotlight again; I found him on top of the crocheted blanket I recently completed, trying on Mirabelle's summer hat ;). This is the nifty tutorial I followed for the hat...

Can't wait to dress her up in this matching set of hat and booties! Crocheting is so much fun :D.

Fun Links...
So I found this site called Soul Pancake, check it out!

On the look-out for crafty tutorials and free patterns? Check these out...
Free Amigurumi Patterns
Crib Bedskirt
Sewing for the home, from Sew, Mama, Sew
Newborn Bloomers Tutorial
Arm Chair Slip Cover
Make your own collapsible storage basket
Make a fuzzy Wee Wonderfuls Bunny
Angel Bag (Tote/Purse) tutorial & pattern
Make a girly dress @ JCasa

guilt and anxiety

My name is Sophie and I am a very anxious person (if you haven't figured that out from reading this blog). I know why I'm like this, I've psychoanalyzed myself enough to know why, but that's beside the point now. It's time to get past square one.

I'm the type of person who likes to plan way in advance. The more control I have over a situation, I tell myself, the more relaxed I feel. I falsely believe that when I have this control, I "know" what reactions to expect from myself and other people; I "know" how things will unfold (with my silly schedule in hand, of course); I "know" how I'll be emotionally influenced by decisions; I "know" security. I've noticed that I even make mental lists for myself in the morning each day. I'll get out of bed, eat breakfast, shower, then maybe I'll make dinner early so that I don't have to worry about it later, etc. The minute my eyes open, the process begins.

The funny thing is, I don't have insomnia and it's never really been an issue. I go to sleep feeling good that the day went as "planned". And when it doesn't? Hmmm... the anxiety gets much worse. But it's not the kind of anxiety that exists solely in my mind, as an intangible idea or a negative thought that I keep entertaining over and over again.

It comes to life.

It's an ugly monster.

Actually, I become the ugly monster in my most anxious moments. I mentally rehearse an uncontrolled event that's going to take place (and it will, because life is about following someone else's plans sometimes) and I get... mad? Yep, that's it. I instantly imagine the worst case scenario and then I start behaving as if it's already happened, even though it hasn't. Then, as if that's not enough, I say and do things that are against what I believe (and in that moment, actions speak -- actually scream -- much louder than words and it appears I'm a person lacking morals). I am a false representative of my faith. God gets sad and, eventually, so do I.

I say eventually because when I'm "in the moment", I am so blind that I cannot see or hear how ugly my words and actions are. I get so sucked into the anxiety that my understanding of what common sense is goes out the window. Eventually, I come back to reality with plenty of baggage. More baggage than I'm capable of carrying on my own. It weighs me down, and when the guilt sets in I really can't move. I get stuck and regret replaces the anxiety.

The only thing that can move me at that point is God himself, and he does. His presence brings me peace, but only when I can look at the mess I've made and hand it over to him, and apologize to those I've wronged. But even that is a struggle sometimes. Because I am a control freak, I want to sort through the mess, organize it, label it... and then he says no. He wants me to let it go so that I can receive his peace. When my hands are busy sorting through the mess, I'm unable to focus on the grace and forgiveness he offers. He already sorted through the mess, that's why his hands are still scarred... he did it so that I wouldn't have to.

So why hold on to it? Why hold on to the guilt when I've already acknowledged my sin? And why hold on to the need for control when he's already in the future? There is no need to do either; all I need has already been offered, his forgiveness and his peace.

Craft Update

Say hello to Harvey, my first amigurumi bear! Made especially for hubby, to keep him company on his desk while studying. The boots are from my mom-in-law, they were the perfect fit.

So you'd think that since I haven't been blogging much these days, I must be busy with something! Christmas was a busy time as far as crafting goes, but I've taken on a few other projects since then, like learning how to crochet baby blankets, working on more cards for my empty store :), reorganizing/rearranging the apartment (we've got the crib set up and rented a storage unit--a must when you have 0 walk-in closets and a baby on the way!)...

Finally sold something on Etsy! It's been almost a year, sheesh. I guess it's time to add something new to the store; here's the latest addition. Plump Birdie and Nest button cards (all the birdies look like this around here when it's freezing, so do the squirrels).

Check out our neighbors right below, the squirrel babies. That's a shot captured on Christmas Day, on our morning walk. They are so cute!

I didn't realize crocheting could be so addicting. I have to admit, though, making baby blankets is much easier than making these amigurumi dolls. I'm not very good at keeping count of each round, so usually I deviate from the patterns quite a bit :) (a lot like cooking--can't stick to the recipe!).

The dragon says "JD", it was a gift for my bro. The bear in the middle was for my 'rents :).

Baby blanket for Mirabelle...

It's been freezing lately, literally, so going outside can be kind of painful. We also don't have a car, so that makes going out a little more difficult, when we don't want to wait outside for the bus or walk to the T... so that means no crochet lessons. BUT, thanks to the internet (and YouTube), learning how to crochet at home is a cinch. In fact, I love it more than taking a class. I'm kind of a slow learner with these things, I like seeing things done over and over... just rewind and watch again, no problem with YouTube. This talented lady has a ton of helpful videos and tutorials. I watched this one to learn how to make the blanket/shell pattern above.

Righteous anger: Not an oxymoron after all...

Below is an excerpt taken from a book called "Love Walked Among Us: Learning to Love Like Jesus" by Paul E. Miller. It's such a good good book! I think everyone should read it. Whether you're convinced that Christianity is an unloving religion that a bunch of hypocritical judgmental people follow (and you want to know the truth behind the faith--that it's not unloving), or you're wanting to understand Jesus' love more (and how we can love like him), you'll find a lot of wisdom in here.

Anyway, I've had a really hard time understanding how a loving, peaceful God (lamb) could get so angry at church (the temple). I always wondered how it was that overturning tables wasn't considered "sinning in anger". This side of Jesus seemed kind of scary to me before. But this book does a good job of explaining the situation; Christ's anger was righteous because it was linked to his desire to have ALL people come to know him and not perish.

I had no idea that the outer courts of the temple were reserved for Gentiles. (The outer courts is where people turned the church into a 'swap meet'.) And back then, Gentiles were not respected because they were viewed as "sinners". So the fact that Jesus gets mad at these shop keepers for selling items where the Gentiles worship makes sense--it foreshadows what the purpose of the resurrection is/was: That EVERYONE should be able to come to Jesus and be saved. These shop keepers represented the sin that kept people from coming to God, and Jesus was acting out his anger toward that sin when he overturned the tables.

Also, there was TONS of legalism in the church at this time and the high priests believed that only their lambs were pure enough to be sacrificed; these lambs were sold in the outer courts. But Jesus was the ultimate perfect sacrifice, and the high priests missed the point because they were money hungry and legalistic, another legitimate reason why Jesus got angry.

Anyhow, here's the excerpt from the book, it describes the situation a little better... I think it's quite eye-opening...

Good Rage:
Now let's look at Jesus when he is at his angriest. This incident took place just before Passover, a few days before Jesus death:

On reaching Jerusalem, Jesus entered the temple area and began driving out those who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves... He said, Is it not written: 'My house will be called a house of prayer of all nations'? But you have made it a den of robbers. Mark 11:15,17

One man, by the sheer force of his anger, kicks over tables, thundering in rage, "My house will be called a house of prayer for all nations, but you are making it a den of robbers." The commercialization of religion angers Jesus. The worship of God has been turned into the worship of money. The din of clanking change has replaced the sounds of heartfelt prayer. The kingdom of noise had replaced the kingdom of God.

Jews came from all over the Roman world and beyond to worship in the Jerusalem temple. When they changed their money in order to buy lambs for the sacrifice, the priests received kickbacks. This angered Jesus.

The Law of Moses prescribed that a lamb sacrificed in payment for sins had to be perfect, but the priests said that only their lambs were perfect--so the Jews had to purchase their lambs, giving the religious professionals a tidy profit, as monopolies usually do. This hurt the poor most of all, and it made Jesus angry.

All of this commerce took place in the outer court of the temple, which was reserved for prayer by other ethnic groups. (Only Jews went into inner courts). The ancient prophecies said that one day the Jews would bring salvation to 'all' people. Israel would be the door through which people from all nations would come to know God. But because the priests were using the outer court for commerce, the Gentiles couldn't use it to pray.

love this video more now

Before I started watching House, yes I was happy this was the show's theme song :), I heard this awesome song by Massive Attack. I've liked it since college and, though I wish I'd heard it sooner, it's still a hit on my playlist. I like it even more after seeing the video, though. A little strange, but so cool!

It's a...

It's a... Mirabelle ;). Well, that's HER name. We found out the good news on Friday, along with an update on how she's growing. All her organs are functioning as they should be and she's right on target. This is a shy little girl. Mirabelle had her legs crossed almost the entire time... I think she wanted to keep us guessing because seconds before she uncrossed her legs, and literally minutes before the doctor finished up the ultrasound, it looked like she opened her mouth a little and smiled. Take a look...

She liked keeping us guessing :), but now we know pretty much for sure and we couldn't be happier. Saturday we bought a couple of cute outfits. Baby clothes have gotten cuter over the years! I found some Hello Kitty baby socks along with some very fun looking shoes. Of course, the shoes won't fit her for awhile but they were definitely affordable and so so so cute! Can't wait to see the little feet that will fill these shoes.

Not only is this exciting for us because it's our first baby, but we're really trying to savor every moment of the pregnancy/ultrasounds/etc. because we aren't quite sure how many more kiddos we'll be able to have. Of course, we're already talking about baby #2 :), we'd love to have around 4 of our own, but I'm not sure what God has in store for us. Being pregnant has been such a fun experience so far. Thankfully, it's been a fairly smooth ride. But I'm starting to get to the point where I feel like I'm going to pop midway into my meals because my stomach is being scrunched up :D.

So how did we come up with the name Mirabelle? Well, we didn't come up with it :). Jose and I are both pretty picky about names. I'd had a handful that I liked, and he never really gave baby names much thought before. He wasn't a fan of most of the names I picked out when I was, hmm... how long have I been thinking of baby names ;)? Anyway, I noticed that we both really liked French names. We liked Isabelle, but that name is pretty popular right now and I wanted our baby to have a slightly uncommon name. Mirabelle means "of incredible beauty". The meaning isn't as important to me as the other things the name suggests/reminds me of. My mom pointed out that Mira sounds short for Miracle, which she definitely is. Also, according to a baby calendar my mom kept for me while I was growing up, my first word was "mira," which actually means "look" in Spanish. Her middle name is Sofia, Jose chose the name, I chose the spelling. It took me awhile to get used to the idea, but I thought it flowed well (the other option was Olivia).

More of a post later, but I just wanted to share the good news :).

Why I love Christmas so much

Christmas in NY 2008

If you've ever been around me during the holiday season, you know I love to go all out (especially for Christmas!). Though some might say that celebrating Christmas, or the secular aspect of it, is superficial and insignificant--I don't believe that things like Christmas trees and nativity sets are bad, as long as you remember what Christmas is all about and that those objects aren't the only things that make your Christmas joyful.

I associate Christmas with happy times in my life, as most of us do. But the funny thing is, I learned to appreciate Christmas as an adult in a whole new light when it occurred to me that all those Christmases weren't quite so happy, just cleverly disguised as so.

One year, when my mom was single and raising me on her own, she was fired from her job on Christmas Eve. She didn't tell me at all. At this time, things were pretty tough financially, but she always hid it well and didn't tell me about our struggles until I was a lot older. There were times we got by on credit. I had no idea that my mom was struggling so much to make ends meet, and putting me through private school on her own just made it harder, I'm sure. When I had to quit ice skating lessons because we couldn't afford it and our old car couldn't drive that far without troubles, she just told me that it was too far away -- she left out the details.

Every year, until about late elementary school, I'd get a new doll for Christmas. I was a doll fanatic. I didn't like Barbie, she seemed fake and snobby. I preferred those baby dolls that did cool things like move, cry, take a bottle or wet their diapers. A doll was the one gift I looked forward to the most during the holidays (and yet I hated wearing dresses). I never really specified what kind of doll I wanted, but I remember one year I really wanted this doll called Twinkling Thumbelina (I still have that doll in her original outfit :P!).

Every Christmas Eve, my mom let me open one gift before bed. And it had to be before bed... and I wasn't allowed to stay up late just because it was Christmas Eve, my mom had her rules. I made sure to examine every box closely beforehand (those boxes that dolls come in are pretty easy to identify, after awhile :). The plastic on the front makes its own kind of noise compared to the rest of the box, which is stiff from the cardboard. (You see, I'd mastered the art of gift-shaking/guessing because I wanted to make sure I opened the right one on Christmas Eve!) So what about the year I'd asked for Twinkling Thumbelina? My mom pulled a fast one on me and said that she just couldn't find it, that she was so sorry but that I was going to have a doll-less Christmas. I said it was okay, but I was a little sad, too. I was still convinced there was a "doll-box" under the tree, though. I'd had my eye on it for days! So when my mom broke the sad news to me about Twinkling T., I figured she'd just bought me another doll.

What happened? Well, I grabbed the mystery box and opened it verrrrry slowly. Starting at one corner, almost afraid to take a peak. Who could compete with Thumbelina? Oh wait... there'd be no need to answer that question because... it was Thumbelina! (Years later my mom told me that she'd searched high and low for that doll; she said it wasn't until Christmas Eve that she found Twinkling T. in an aisle of a pharmacy, when she was running an errand.)

In spite of what was going on around us or how much we were struggling, there was always a doll under the Christmas tree. There was always a Christmas tree to decorate, even if he was so small and twiggy that we had to decorate him with mini ornaments and place him on top of the table just so he would look rough and tough. There was always a smile on my mom's face when I opened my presents, when we decorated trees together, when I woke her up on Christmas morning... even though she had her own struggles to deal with. This was a time of selflessness, especially for my mom.

Oh, but don't worry. I didn't let her get away with thinking I didn't appreciate her. Though I had a mouth and liked to talk back more than I should've, I loved giving my mom more than just a headache :). Christmas shopping! Yeah, I'm still a fan. Isn't it fun when you're convinced that you finally got that special someone the perfect gift and they'll never guess what it is? Being sneaky never felt so good, right? That brings me to another story. How did I pay back my mom for dealing with me? I bought her a fake goldtone "xoxo" bracelet with tacky fake rhinestones from the "Santa's Shop" store that my school had temporarily put into business in order to raise money, because Catholic schools don't charge enough in tuition ;). She still has it in her jewelry box, to this day. I think it's the most hideous bracelet I've ever seen. But, man, I was so impressed when I laid eyes on that glimmering gaudy piece of costume jewelry. I thought to myself "Yeah, my mom will looove this, she'll never believe that I could afford a gift this pretty with the allowance my grandpa gave me last Sunday!". Of course, when my mom opened it up there was a smile on her face...but I think she was holding back a laugh, now that I think about it. :D

This is just a glimpse of my favorite Christmas memories, things that still make me smile today. My mother's selflessness, desire to make me happy in spite of life's difficulties, and need to protect me from life's "bad news" are things that weren't so obvious to me growing up. I loved Christmas for other reasons then. As a kid, I knew that it was Jesus' Birthday, but I'm still learning about its significance to this day. Still, when I think of former Christmases now, I'm able to see the connection between her love and God's love for us--she wasn't perfect, like any parent, but she tried and gave so much. He sacrificed a lot, too, a perfect baby (not a doll :) that became the perfect sacrifice for us, so that we could experience the joy of Christmas every day, even when times are tough.