The Freedom to Find Peace

Satan mounted his rebellion through the power of one idea: God doesn't have a good heart. Though it seems almost incomprehensible, he deceived a multitude of the heavenly host by sowing the seed of doubt in their minds that God was somehow holding out on them. After the insurrection is squelched, that question lingers in the universe like smoke from a forest fire. Sure, God won, but it took force to do it. Power isn't the same thing as goodness.
From The Sacred Romance by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge

It seems one of the biggest questions out there, among those who wonder whether or not God truly exists is: If there is a God, and he is all loving, then why is there suffering? I used to ask the same thing. Though I always believed, I never quite understood how a perfect God could allow so much imperfection and injustice. But after reading a couple of different thoughts/answers surrounding this question, it makes more sense.

If God stepped in all the time, that would get in the way of freedom. If he is truly good, then he wouldn't need to use force to attract people to him, like the quote above suggests. God also cannot contradict himself. If he is perfect, he cannot act in an evil way which is why he cannot cause of suffering. This means his motives have to be completely pure. In our freedom, we often choose to do wrong, though. Sometimes we even have good intentions, but mistakes are inevitable so long as we're stuck in our human bodies. But with God as our spiritual guide, we're given clarity, and the right decisions can follow.

Still, not everyone listens to his quiet voice, and suffering is usually the result of a decision made without considering perfect love (aka God). But some people don't want anything to do with him. Because of freedom, they have that right; God allows us to accept or deny him. As a result, there is a constant battle on Earth between good and evil; peace and suffering. So peace can only exist temporarily, and only in some places at different times. Of course, not all suffering is self-imposed or caused by sin. There are illnesses that bring pain to truly loving people. But the beauty of their situation is that if their hearts are in God's hands, they will know peace on this imperfect soil and in heaven.

In the end, isn't that what we all want more than anything? True peace that doesn't rely on the sun shining, perfect health, or flawed humans? Imagine the peace that comes with knowing beyond doubt that we are loved perfectly by a God who can do no wrong. I'm still working on fully embracing that truth. I think it's a lifelong thing. God isn't the one holding out on us, we're the ones holding out on him.

Beautiful

This was the Prayer of Confession posted in today's bulletin at church. The words are beautiful; I wanted to share them, it's a reminder of what today is all about. I think I'm going to frame this and put it near the front door.

Happy Easter to all!

O Lord, no day of my life has passed that has not proved me guilty in your sight. Prayers have been uttered from a prayerless heart; praise has been often praiseless sound; my best services are filthy rags. Blessed Jesus, let me find a cover in your appeasing wounds. Though my sins rise to heaven your merits soar above them; though unrighteousness weighs me down to hell, your righteousness exalts me to your throne. All things in me call for my rejection, all things in you plead my acceptance. I appeal from the throne of perfect justice to your throne of boundless grace, grant me to hear your voice assuring me: that by your stripes I am healed, that you were bruised for my iniquities, that you have been made sin for me that I might be righteous in you, that my grievous sins, my manifold sins, are all forgiven, buried in the ocean of your concealing blood. I am guilty, but pardoned; lost, but saved; wandering, but found; sinning, but cleansed. Give me perpetual broken-heartedness, keep me always clinging to your cross, flood me every moment with descending grace, open to me the springs of divine knowledge, sparkling like crystal, flowing clear and unsullied through my wilderness of life.

-Aurthur Bennett. The Valley of Vision.

Thoughts

One thing I really like about blogging is that it allows me to see how I've changed/not changed over time. I think I've mastered the art of stagnation, and even regression ;). I'm noticing a pattern in how I've been thinking lately, and it's a fairly negative one that I'd like to break. That's my late New Year's resolution, or I should say Life Resolution! It's something I'll have to work on every single day.

I read some verses this morning that opened my eyes a bit. I've read them before, but they spoke to me differently today...

When I was in high school my mom strongly suggested (ha!) that I read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens. It was a little cheesy, and I think maybe parts of that book stuck with me subconsciously and (strangely, now many years later) somehow influenced the tone of these notes I just took...so bear with me, laugh even! I did :P.

This is just a basic and simplified (half-asleep) interpretation of these very wise verses. Basically, what I wrote to help me understand the meat of the real text.

If you've got something to add (or your own version of the 7 Habits, with more or less than 7 actual habits ;), please feel free to share. I'd love to hear it!

From 1 Corinthians 9...

24 Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. 26 Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air. 27 No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

Running requires-

Pacing yourself: Realizing that Christ is your strength in the "race" but that you cannot exercise with what you do not have--and it takes time to develop strength and endurance to run long distances.

Training yourself: So that you are able to run long distances without tiring as easily as someone without training. This means, pushing yourself spiritually so that you are closer to God today than you were yesterday.

Staying hydrated: When you thirst, don't ignore it--seek God when you find yourself thirsting for other things to find satisfaction and fulfillment.

Health: Focus on being spiritually healthy. Choosing to be "healthy" is a daily thing. Exercise by memorizing scripture and understanding God's word. "Eat" the right things--take notice of your thoughts and how those thoughts are influenced by the things you take-in daily and what (or who) you surround yourself with (music, tv, movies, books, etc.) 2 Corinthians 10:5 and Philipians 4:8.

Don't take your eyes off the goal: Comparing yourself to other runners and/or seeking their approval will only slow you down. Focus on who you're running for and why you're running; don't run "aimlessly". Your goal is also to do better than you did yesterday. "Strike a blow to [your] body"--overcoming your own personal weaknesses with God's strength so that you can be an example to others, or "preach" by running a good race by the way you live.

It's no coincidence

This is from Romans 12...
6 In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. So if God has given you the ability to prophesy, speak out with as much faith as God has given you. 7 If your gift is serving others, serve them well. If you are a teacher, teach well. 8 If your gift is to encourage others, be encouraging. If it is giving, give generously. If God has given you leadership ability, take the responsibility seriously. And if you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly.

9 Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. 10 Love each other with genuine affection,[e] and take delight in honoring each other. 11 Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically.[f] 12 Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. 13 When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality.

Sometimes we get distracted. I get distracted by my own negativity a lot of the time. I'm missing out, aren't I? The verses above prove that. We all have different gifts we're supposed to use. And whatever they are, love should be at the core of those gifts, and our actions. No exceptions.

Funny, I used to think some people were better at showing love than others, and that that was ok. But the truth is, though we all have different gifts, we are all called to love sincerely. If we're not good at loving, it isn't because we weren't blessed with that gift, it's because we haven't embraced our gift properly. But before embracing this gift, we need to learn how to become like the giver, so that when we share our gifts with others we do so with the same kind of love.

It's no coincidence that those verses follow each other. I never really noticed the significance before, though.

Encouragement

I DVRd an interview-type show on the new Oprah channel a few days ago. Maya Angelou was the honored guest last week; I finally got a chance to watch it yesterday. I've read a few of her poems, and until yesterday I appreciated her work from a distance, but this special captured her strength and beauty as a person so well that I now respect Maya Angelou on an entirely different level.

She's more than familiar with suffering. But she doesn't present herself as a victim, and she doesn't just discuss how she's overcome the difficulties she's experienced (from being raped at age 7, to being mute until age 6 and undergoing emotional abuse because of it). Her way of communicating reflects the kind of strength that I lack. She is a wise woman, and I'm glad I got to hear her speak--even if it was behind a television screen.

Toward the end of the show, she shared a quote that I hadn't heard before, and then she went on to explain the truth behind it. This is how it's re-quoted on this site:

"If a human being dreams a great dream, dares to love somebody; if a human being dares to be Martin King, or Mahatma Gandhi, or Mother Theresa, or Malcolm X; if a human being dares to be bigger than the condition into which she or he was born—it means so can you. And so you can try to stretch, stretch, stretch yourself so you can internalize, 'Homo sum, humani nil a me alienum puto. I am a human being, nothing human can be alien to me.' That's one thing I'm learning." — Dr. Maya Angelou

The part that wasn't included on the site resonated with me most. When she first shared the quote, "I am a human being, nothing human can be alien to me," she brought up some of the worst of us. Those who have committed the most heinous crimes, including "the bigot and the batterer". We refer to those crimes as "inhuman". The irony is, the crimes were committed by a human. She explained that we all have the potential to commit those wrongs, because we are all human. Considering we're all sinners, that's not a difficult concept to grasp mentally. Still, when I heard the quote I felt guilty because I knew that in my heart I often fail. The playing field is level, though. It's discouraging to hear, and to believe that the person on death row is our spiritual twin brother...

But then she brought up another truth. Mother Theresa is also our sister. Inspired by the love of God in her heart, she shared so much of herself with those in need and impacted all of us, directly and indirectly.

The beauty in the quote is what else it reveals: we have a choice! We are capable of so much evil, and so much good. Having God in our lives liberates us--that's what the apostles in the Bible say; on the show, Maya Angelou also said many times that "love liberates". I can't ignore this key verse, either "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love" (1 John 4:8). The two are one in the same. So it makes sense that if we are lacking Love we are limited in our choices, and how we behave.

I guess I can say that I grasp a bit more how understanding God's love truly liberates us; we're able to rise above ourselves, or the innate evil in us (as discouraging as that word is), and love like he loved us. After all, isn't that essentially what the true peacemakers, from Mother Theresa to Ghandi, were able to do?

Making the necessary preparations

These past few days, the snowfall has been nonstop. I live in a snow globe, it seems. So many tiny snowflakes. Then the snow melts and gets dirty. Its perfect shade of powdered sugar-white turns shadow-gray with flecks of dirt, with time. But for now, I'm enjoying sitting on my bed staring out the window and down my street. I'm daydreaming but still very much looking forward to the beautiful flowers that are sure to show in a matter of weeks. Sometimes that's what keeps us all going: knowing spring will come and we'll feel the warmth of the sun again.

Mirabelle will be born in the spring, I don't believe this is a coincidence. She is our little miracle and another way God is shining light into my life. I often think about what it will be like to give her a hug; what her baby soft skin will feel and smell like, and how her tiny toes will wiggle. Thinking of her in this way makes me feel like a protective mama bear, and I don't want her to know pain. Ever. But, unfortunately, there will be sadness and I won't be able to shield her from all of life's disappointments. This is why I pray for her soul, though she hasn't even opened her eyes yet. I pray that God will strengthen our tiny soul and give her the wisdom to see his beauty, even if and especially when life gets ugly. I also ask for wisdom...to be the kind of mom she deserves. I love her; we're already close -- that's a good start.

My fear of seeing her sad is rooted in my own fear of sadness. Granted, we've all had our fill of it. I don't feel jaded as a result of my experiences, though. The rough moments were unavoidable and not a result of any major mistakes I made, just part of the bigger plan. I see that now. I don't know if I'd be able to appreciate life as much as I do today, were it not for those rough patches.

Though Jose and I hope to provide the best for Mirabelle, we do realize there is no such thing as the perfect childhood, or the ideal family (or flawless parents!). We are all dysfunctional in our own way. Still, if we remember that God can meet us where we are and that he isn't judging us for our weaknesses, then the healing can begin. It's a matter of moving forward by acknowledging our struggles and blessings, all at once. Seeing the glass half full, because life is beautiful at times, while also recognizing the same glass as half empty, because that's the portion He's meant to fill. We wouldn't need grace or love, otherwise.

So here I am. Still flawed with a quite few scars, but very much ready to love my new baby girl. I've bought her cute little clothes, arranged her side of the room, made hospital arrangements, and prayed for a safe and speedy delivery. There's only so much I can plan for, though. I'm acknowledging that while also giving God credit for his omniscience. I'm depending on him to carry me the rest of the way. He's already brought me this far and blessed me with this beautiful babe (certainly more than I ever expected, because my body is just as flawed as my human spirit). He'll lead the way and we'll follow, taking baby steps... literally :).

I'm ready to be a mom.

guilt and anxiety

My name is Sophie and I am a very anxious person (if you haven't figured that out from reading this blog). I know why I'm like this, I've psychoanalyzed myself enough to know why, but that's beside the point now. It's time to get past square one.

I'm the type of person who likes to plan way in advance. The more control I have over a situation, I tell myself, the more relaxed I feel. I falsely believe that when I have this control, I "know" what reactions to expect from myself and other people; I "know" how things will unfold (with my silly schedule in hand, of course); I "know" how I'll be emotionally influenced by decisions; I "know" security. I've noticed that I even make mental lists for myself in the morning each day. I'll get out of bed, eat breakfast, shower, then maybe I'll make dinner early so that I don't have to worry about it later, etc. The minute my eyes open, the process begins.

The funny thing is, I don't have insomnia and it's never really been an issue. I go to sleep feeling good that the day went as "planned". And when it doesn't? Hmmm... the anxiety gets much worse. But it's not the kind of anxiety that exists solely in my mind, as an intangible idea or a negative thought that I keep entertaining over and over again.

It comes to life.

It's an ugly monster.

Actually, I become the ugly monster in my most anxious moments. I mentally rehearse an uncontrolled event that's going to take place (and it will, because life is about following someone else's plans sometimes) and I get... mad? Yep, that's it. I instantly imagine the worst case scenario and then I start behaving as if it's already happened, even though it hasn't. Then, as if that's not enough, I say and do things that are against what I believe (and in that moment, actions speak -- actually scream -- much louder than words and it appears I'm a person lacking morals). I am a false representative of my faith. God gets sad and, eventually, so do I.

I say eventually because when I'm "in the moment", I am so blind that I cannot see or hear how ugly my words and actions are. I get so sucked into the anxiety that my understanding of what common sense is goes out the window. Eventually, I come back to reality with plenty of baggage. More baggage than I'm capable of carrying on my own. It weighs me down, and when the guilt sets in I really can't move. I get stuck and regret replaces the anxiety.

The only thing that can move me at that point is God himself, and he does. His presence brings me peace, but only when I can look at the mess I've made and hand it over to him, and apologize to those I've wronged. But even that is a struggle sometimes. Because I am a control freak, I want to sort through the mess, organize it, label it... and then he says no. He wants me to let it go so that I can receive his peace. When my hands are busy sorting through the mess, I'm unable to focus on the grace and forgiveness he offers. He already sorted through the mess, that's why his hands are still scarred... he did it so that I wouldn't have to.

So why hold on to it? Why hold on to the guilt when I've already acknowledged my sin? And why hold on to the need for control when he's already in the future? There is no need to do either; all I need has already been offered, his forgiveness and his peace.

Righteous anger: Not an oxymoron after all...

Below is an excerpt taken from a book called "Love Walked Among Us: Learning to Love Like Jesus" by Paul E. Miller. It's such a good good book! I think everyone should read it. Whether you're convinced that Christianity is an unloving religion that a bunch of hypocritical judgmental people follow (and you want to know the truth behind the faith--that it's not unloving), or you're wanting to understand Jesus' love more (and how we can love like him), you'll find a lot of wisdom in here.

Anyway, I've had a really hard time understanding how a loving, peaceful God (lamb) could get so angry at church (the temple). I always wondered how it was that overturning tables wasn't considered "sinning in anger". This side of Jesus seemed kind of scary to me before. But this book does a good job of explaining the situation; Christ's anger was righteous because it was linked to his desire to have ALL people come to know him and not perish.

I had no idea that the outer courts of the temple were reserved for Gentiles. (The outer courts is where people turned the church into a 'swap meet'.) And back then, Gentiles were not respected because they were viewed as "sinners". So the fact that Jesus gets mad at these shop keepers for selling items where the Gentiles worship makes sense--it foreshadows what the purpose of the resurrection is/was: That EVERYONE should be able to come to Jesus and be saved. These shop keepers represented the sin that kept people from coming to God, and Jesus was acting out his anger toward that sin when he overturned the tables.

Also, there was TONS of legalism in the church at this time and the high priests believed that only their lambs were pure enough to be sacrificed; these lambs were sold in the outer courts. But Jesus was the ultimate perfect sacrifice, and the high priests missed the point because they were money hungry and legalistic, another legitimate reason why Jesus got angry.

Anyhow, here's the excerpt from the book, it describes the situation a little better... I think it's quite eye-opening...

Good Rage:
Now let's look at Jesus when he is at his angriest. This incident took place just before Passover, a few days before Jesus death:

On reaching Jerusalem, Jesus entered the temple area and began driving out those who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves... He said, Is it not written: 'My house will be called a house of prayer of all nations'? But you have made it a den of robbers. Mark 11:15,17

One man, by the sheer force of his anger, kicks over tables, thundering in rage, "My house will be called a house of prayer for all nations, but you are making it a den of robbers." The commercialization of religion angers Jesus. The worship of God has been turned into the worship of money. The din of clanking change has replaced the sounds of heartfelt prayer. The kingdom of noise had replaced the kingdom of God.

Jews came from all over the Roman world and beyond to worship in the Jerusalem temple. When they changed their money in order to buy lambs for the sacrifice, the priests received kickbacks. This angered Jesus.

The Law of Moses prescribed that a lamb sacrificed in payment for sins had to be perfect, but the priests said that only their lambs were perfect--so the Jews had to purchase their lambs, giving the religious professionals a tidy profit, as monopolies usually do. This hurt the poor most of all, and it made Jesus angry.

All of this commerce took place in the outer court of the temple, which was reserved for prayer by other ethnic groups. (Only Jews went into inner courts). The ancient prophecies said that one day the Jews would bring salvation to 'all' people. Israel would be the door through which people from all nations would come to know God. But because the priests were using the outer court for commerce, the Gentiles couldn't use it to pray.

Praying for another miracle

Life is one trust-fall after another. When we think we're standing tall and confident, God's down below ready to catch us. Even though we can't see him, he's caught us plenty of times before. So why is it then when we have to take a new plunge, we hesitate as if it's the first time? As if a human with arms that can easily break is standing in God's place?

I've had a love-hate relationship with doctors, well maybe not hate ;). They can be such pessimists, quite cocky too. They'll tell us we have no chance at life sometimes, then God miraculously intervenes and they're left speechless. They'll say we need surgery for our bodies to work... then, after much prayer, our bodies kick in to gear -- God's responsible for those gears, but most doctor's won't admit that.

My reproductive endocrinologist laughed when I walked into her office a few days ago. She said "I guess I just had to scare you about the surgery ;)." I was a little irked, I know it was a joke, but little did she know about all the praying taking place behind the scenes. The fact that I conceived this baby has nothing to do with her and everything to do with God. But whatever, I laughed too and held back my human need to lash out like a smart aleck. And like the surgery is a laughing matter, in any context?

I hold the same bitter feelings toward the curt radiologist who's been analyzing my past two ultrasounds. Yes, the guy knows what he's talking about, and I guess I can't blame him for being the temporary bearer of bad news. The first ultrasound revealed a large cyst on my left ovary; thankfully it's gone now. But there was something a little more worrisome in this last ultrasound. A blood clot between the placenta and uterus, or what they call a subchorionic hematoma; they happen in about 1% of pregnancies.

It isn't tiny but it isn't huge... but it is three times the current size of the baby, which is scary. Sometimes these blood clots will be reabsorbed by the body; other times, the body bleeds them out... unfortunately, other times there's a total loss because the clot causes the placenta and baby to totally dislodge from the uterine wall. I had some cramping and mild bleeding before the ultrasound, but the nurses said it was "normal." The radiologist later said it was the clot causing the bleeding. I'm praying my body's getting rid of it, but I do freak out every time I start to cramp. Needless to say, I'm taking it very easy until the next ultrasound. This clot could grow or disappear, I'm hoping it'll disappear without any more bleeding. Let's face it, bleeding during pregnancy is scary.

So here I am again, at God's feet. Praying for a different miracle this time... I know he can sustain the life of this child. When doctors say they can't do anything more, that's when he intervenes (but, obviously, he's been known to intervene a lot sooner). My mom had full placenta previa when she was pregnant with my brother, then the placenta moved "by itself" (aka thanks to God's hand). I was born with a hole in my heart and that "magically healed on it's own" ;). Who am I to question God's omniscience now?

I've already had the talk with Him. This is his kiddo before it's mine, I know, so if he wants it back in heaven, I can't argue. It won't be easy to deal with, but he has his reasons... and so far, all the reasons for the previous ugly situations in my life have turned out to be pretty good ones :). For instance, I wouldn't be married to my best friend if not for some other ugly occurrences in my life. I've learned that nothing is a coincidence.

Miracle

This is the 4th picture of this darn test I've taken. I'm gonna be a mom! Honestly, this news took Jose and I by surprise, but not in the way you might think. This was definitely planned...

2 weeks ago I went to the doctor and was told that my hormones were so outta whack that I was going to need 1. Either IVF or 2. Surgery (a procedure called ovarian drilling). The doctor was convinced I would not be able to conceive on my own! At age 17, I was told that I would need medical intervention to have a baby (I have polycystic ovarian syndrome). I even took Clomid, a fertility pill, for 3 months and it did NOT work. I was convinced that God would certainly have to intercede, I was praying for a miracle.

I had a set date to see the reproductive endocrinologist this Wednesday, I was going to tell her that I wanted to have the surgery done.

Can you believe it?!

For the past two weeks I'd been praying that God would literally put something in the way to stop me from having this surgery if I wasn't meant to go under the knife...

Well, a bun in the oven is certainly a sign that I don't need to have the surgery!!!!!!!

... Cuz, ya know, that's the whole reason why I was gonna need to have the surgery in the first place!! THIS IS OUR MIRACLE!!!!

It should be due around mid May!!!!!!!

Peace

Building is

tearing down a foundation

made of the uneven ideas we've collected

to hold ourselves

up.

Falling down

to our knees, that is moving

forward.

Walking confidently, we trip.

I've walked so far, there are blisters on my soles.

A blister on my soul

growing smaller in the sun, my goal.

Permanent scars on my palms, not nails.

I arrived at the major crossroads

When I abandoned myself at the fork in the road,

Giving up the heaviest load.

The other day I was thinking about how much I used to like writing poetry. I still enjoy it, but now I only write a handful of poems a year. Writing used to be more of a cathartic experience for me, but I think I focused too much on the negative. These days I write when I feel thankful or grateful for the way things are, and the way I've been blessed.

Though it might not sound like it, this is a "happy" poem. I don't usually break down my poems, but feel it's a good idea to do it sometimes, so I'll do it now :).

To put it simply, this is a poem about God and growth. So many times we think we have all the answers. We get caught up in ideas and theories that don't offer us very much hope, when we really think about them. As a result, we develop a blind confidence that doesn't become evident to us until we're hurting. But it's when we cry out for help that we're strengthened. This is what the first stanza suggests.

I've done this many times, like the second stanza says. Scars? I definitely have those, I am human after all -- no godly nails on these palms (last line). The blister on my soul represents my weaknesses. The sun? The light, God. The only one who can strengthen even the weakest of souls.

The major crossroads? The cross and everything it represents. That's where I rest my heaviest burdens.

More thoughts on forgiveness

...forgive your brother from your heart.
Matthew 18:35

...you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow.
2 Corinthians 2:7

I did not want to get out of bed this morning, and it's my own fault :). I lowered the AC to about 65 degrees last night. Even though it's a hot July here in Texas, I love falling asleep under a pile of blankets (about 3). How do I survive a brutal summer with that habit? I lower the temperature in the apartment considerably. But I lowered it too much last night. So instead of jumping out of bed this morning, I nestled further into my cocoon of blankets and came up with an action plan.

This is all I came up with, it isn't very impressive: Run to the thermostat when the AC stops, the break between the cold blasts, then jump back into bed for just a few more minutes (or until it no longer hurts to think about leaving the cozy cocoon).

You know what I realized? I hate to admit it, but that's kind of how I am when it comes to giving and accepting apologies.

Don't forgive until you're ready, that's what most folks will tell you. When the tables are turned, the world will say you don't have to apologize to anyone. That last one sounds pretty good (until the guilt sets in). At that point you can choose denial or acceptance. But I know I'd rather stay under the covers a little longer. Saying I apologize or I forgive you can feel as uncomfortable as crawling out of bed when the room is freezing cold. But the day will go on whether or not you choose to leave the cocoon you're struggling to get out of.

Forgiveness is the basis of Christianity, both giving and receiving it. I've often heard it said that true freedom comes with knowing Christ. Knowing him means acknowledging our weaknesses as human beings and asking for forgiveness on a daily basis. But the bible also says that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ; we're not supposed to dwell on the times we've failed (Romans 8:1). So it's easy to see how we can know freedom when God forgives us. We're no longer in bondage to our guilt or sin and we can easily move forward. But how can we be free if we also do not forgive? This is the other part of the deal.

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
Matthew 6:14

God calls us to forgive and, like all commandments, God has our best interest in mind when he tells us to do it. Lack of forgiveness alters our ability to make the right choices. For instance, take the cycle of abuse. Abusers usually come from abusive homes, and if they fail to acknowledge that abuse as sin, and also forgive their abusers, the cycle will inevitably continue. The abused abusers won't see anything wrong with the way they were treated, and they will treat others the same way. OR they will see something wrong with it, but they'll hold on to the resentment and that will interfere with all of their relationships.

I don't know everything, I am just a twenty something year old who is still trying to figure it out one prayer at a time. But I am sure of one thing, every day I have to remind myself that I've been called to forgive anyone who's ever wronged me. When I'm reminded of something ugly, I really have to make a conscious effort. I tell myself that I have already forgiven the person and I should not let their past actions interfere with my present life. I take lots of baby steps. Choosing to forgive was just the first one. Even that took a small miracle because I couldn't do it on my own; I still don't know anyone who's done it alone.

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.
Mark 11:25

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.

Colossians 3:13

Stuck

Here are two separate but related quotes from a book I've been reading; such insightful information. I've been posting it everywhere:

[Contentment is] a soul sufficiency, a peace separate from circumstances. Most of us base our contentment on our circumstances, on our feelings, or on other people. However, true contentment is separate from our circumstances. Contentment is a state of the heart, not a state of affairs.

When we take over and try to control what happens, we take our focus off the One [God] who is in control and put our eyes on our circumstances.

Though I completely agree with those statements, I think another reason why we can't be content is because we aren't willing to live in the present, obviously. It's so much easier to be resentful toward someone or unhappy about something that happened to us in the past than to forgive the person and move forward. Funny thing is, even though it's very human for us to like the false feeling of security that comes with "thinking" we've got it all under control, in these moments we're far from in control; we're slaves to our past when we can't acknowledge our present blessings. Even if we're not mentally dwelling on the former events, if we are stuck in the same mindset, we're just stuck. We can't become better people, we can't help anyone else, and we really can't be content or at peace.

It's during these times that we think God hasn't listened to or answered our prayers, so we also become resentful toward him; we pretend we don't need him when we're in the most needy phase of the healing process. I don't think having these feelings is wrong because they can open the door to healing, that's why I consider them part of the process, but when thinking negatively becomes part of our everyday routine, the event or person that triggers the feeling becomes an idol and there's no room for God. We then take matters into our own hands and things fall apart, if it's not evident in our life then it becomes evident in our thought life/hearts. We become calloused and unable to love.


(There have been moments in my life when I've let myself get stuck. I continued praying during those times, more out of desperation than anything else, but there was still a tiny bit of faith that God could work with. I'm still very flawed in this sense, but the healing process is life long because I am human. These are just some things I've thought about along the way. Funny thing is, they didn't actually occur to me until I tried helping a few others going through a similar situation. I realized I needed to start following my own advice! :)

Life is hard. We pray. But God isn't going to come down and shout from the rooftops: "Hey look, here's your miracle; here's your answered prayer!" We're the vehicles he uses to answer our own prayers. But if we're driven by negative thoughts, he can't steer us in the direction we're supposed to go. (Yes, bad pun! But at least I didn't say Jesus, take the wheel -- that would've been really bad. :)

It even makes sense that the answer to our prayers is revealed to us in the moments when we can see how the obvious blessings of our present override the memories of a difficult past. But we can't see how our prayers have been answered when we're asking God why he hasn't answered our prayers; ungrateful souls are blind.


So whether the memory is attached to a person or event, it all comes down to this cliche: life's too short to dwell on it. There will be blessings we'll miss out on and there will be people we'll miss out on loving, even if one of those people is the person who hurt us. I've had to make amends with those who've hurt me so that I could love them through forgiveness; sometimes that meant just apologizing for the small (or big) hurtful role I played in the situation without receiving an apology in return. But in the end, they aren't going to be here forever and neither am I.

When we're face to face with God, he's going to ask us if we lived for him -- that means loving the way he loved us, that's what we've all been called to do. If I can't say that I loved everyone I came across while on earth, because there was resentment preventing real love from existing in my life, then I didn't really love anyone at all, not even myself.

What Counts

It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man.
Psalm 118:8

When I was a little girl, I always had something to say. My mom called it talking back; my teachers called it talking too much.

Whether I was in class, but I just couldn't wait to say something to my friend sitting behind me (which eventually led to a Needs Improvement on my progress report because of how often it happened :P), or I was sitting around the dinner table and my mom would request that I please stop rambling so she could get a word in, I was (am) a motor mouth. My grandfather just laughed about it and told me to become a newscaster :).

Every once in awhile, I would actually say something worthwhile. For instance, one Sunday morning in 4th grade, my mom and I were getting ready for church. I hated wearing dresses; I despised looking too girly (but at the same time, I still had a million and one dolls in my room, go figure). My mom asked me to please dress nicely for church, and I was feeling rather smart that morning (sarcasm) and decided to "talk back" and give her the following response:

But doesn't God not care what we look like on the outside, isn't it what's on the inside that counts the most?

My mom's response? Well, for once she actually didn't reprimand me for "talking back"; I was rather taken back by that, actually. She simply responded with a...

Yes!

Needless to say, that day I got to wear shorts and a t-shirt to church, which was pretty much what I wore every day growing up in sunny Los Angeles until that age. I was convinced that God had pardoned me for talking back, at least this one time :).

Years later, I eventually became a bible study leader in college precisely because I talked so much. I asked a lot of questions, but some of them weren't as welcome as the others. so it seemed. For lack of a better term, I enjoyed playing the devil's advocate because I felt God gave us all a brain that he wanted us to use. I still feel that way.

I like to question what most consider solid beliefs because I wonder just how solid they are and how much they deviate from Christ's original message, let's just say I think the term "Christian" is misused and abused like crazy. It really makes me sad when I see someone who has totally lost their faith in God, or has never found it to begin with, because of how much the term "Christian" disturbs them, thanks to the ignorant "fan club". I know it hurts God's heart more than mine, but then I wonder if I'm living up to his standards, or if I'm too busy talking back.

I once read a bumper sticker that says "I have no problem with God, it's his fan club I can't stand" -- hence my use of the term above. I have to admit, I thought it was rather funny, but I was also saddened by it. I laughed because of how much truth it holds, but then reflected on the many ways that statment is the reason why so many people have given up on having a relationship with God altogether.

I believe our relationship with God is supposed to be a very personal one. Though I also believe that fellowship with others is important, I think it tends to take center stage too much and lead to a herd mentality. It can get so bad that we no longer question things because when someone responds to a claim with a Well, it's in the bible, we take it as fact instead of researching it ourselves and figuring out how much truth is in that claim. Again, God did give us a brain. I honestly believe most of these claims are founded on someone's misguided/self-imposed legalistic beliefs. When I give a counter response in moments like that, I feel 9 again; figuratively speaking, I'm the one asking why we get so caught up in what we're wearing instead of what God wants to see in us, or what he really wants us to be like.

So this is an issue that's weighing heavy on me, and I'm wondering how much my disappointment with the aforementioned has influenced my own perspective on God. I know that I don't spend as much time getting to know him as I should, and I do believe part of it has to do with the fact that I don't have a "group" to help hold me accountable. But I'm skeptical of groups, like I said.

So here I am again, dusting myself off. Waking up early in the morning, hungry for a real spiritual breakfast; reaching for my devotional and hoping for some hope. Hmm... then I read this: I have always believed in God. But it wasn't until I began devoting myself to His Word that I had something tangible that I could hang on to when times got rough. (From Live on Purpose for Women by J.M. Farro)

Revisiting this again: I don't have a problem with God, it's his fan club I can't stand...

So who do we turn to when times get rough? This is why I find that bumper sticker so sad, because I have to ask myself who we turn to if we live by what that sticker says. I'm not talking about turning to a group of people, God already said people would disappoint us, but I wonder what would happen if all of us turned our eyes away from what everyone else was doing and thinking and rested them on who God really is. Thankfully, we don't have to go through anyone else and their distorted beliefs in order to get to God, we can go directly to him. Unlike everyone else, he isn't pointing fingers -- he just has his hand outstretched, waiting for us to take hold of it and see the scars that prove he's the only intercessor we need.

Lemons and forgiveness :)

When life gives you lemons...take a picture of them and edit the pic with gimp (or make lemon cake ;). When people give you lemons... (OK, so it doesn't have much to do with the post, but I wanted to share this fun pic from Haymarket.)

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

Forgive and forget, it's a cliche that some say is biblically based; if God does it then we should too. We're not God, though, and he knows that. Bear with each other & Be kind and compassionate are the two commandments prefacing the call to forgiveness. They put it all into perspective and answer the questions surrounding the issue of forgiveness.

I'm certainly not one to forget when I've been hurt, but with time I've learned to slowly let things go. Only because, with prayer, the anger and bitterness have gradually been replaced with compassion and understanding. Even though the former feelings still creep up every now and then, it's difficult to truly be resentful toward someone when I put myself in their shoes (consider their upbringing, their own battles and struggles, etc.).

We don't have to wait for an apology from anyone to start forgiving them. If turning the other cheek sounds unreasonable, then the way we've been looking at it is all wrong. Turning the other cheek requires us to turn away from the 'raised hand' (or the hurt) and look away from the act/person that's hurting us. At that point we're the most vulnerable and we can also see something other than the pain. It's in our most vulnerable moments that we can humble ourselves and realize that we're not so different from those who've hurt us. We may not engage in the same hurtful acts, but we've all hurt and been hurt. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other... There is a reason why compassion comes before forgiveness.

Control and Pride

The Prodigal God by Timothy Keller -- I love that book!  I'm reading it right now and learning so much!  The author does a nice job of explaining the prodigal son parable in a very new (to me) and necessary way (click here to read the parable).  He discusses how we normally hear about (or focus on) the rebellious son who leaves then returns to his forgiving father.  It is a reflection of God's love for us, true, but the other half of the story is just as important, says Keller.  What about the jealous older brother who played by the rules and was upset that his father never threw him a party for being the good kid? That's the part Keller says is often overlooked; that's the part Jesus wanted the pharisees to hear because it applied to them.   The prodigal son came back with an apologetic heart; the older son was too proud to admit that he wasn't as perfect as he thought.  We are either one or the other in this life.

Jose and I have started reading Job together.  This is going to sound crazy, but even though I've heard the story of Job many times before, I've never read it for myself!  I enjoy reading it with Jose because he sometimes catches things that I don't, and I understand the message of the story a bit better, as a result.  

The part in the first chapter that caught our attention the most is when Job finds out his children and animals have just died and (v. 20-21) At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head.  Then he fell to the ground in worship and said:  'Naked I came from my mother's womb and naked I will depart.  The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.'

Job reduces himself to nothing.  Instead of acting as if he is entitled or worthy of an explanation or apology, he humbles himself before God.  Job also relinquishes control (Jose pointed that out to me) and doesn't compare himself to anyone who might have more.  The shaving of his head might represent a sort of catharsis, but it also represents letting everything go.  In a way, it's as if Job is also saying Take even the hairs on my head and my clothing, I give it all over to you, God.  This is an act that a prideful heart, like that of a pharisee, can't take part in.

I'm not like Job.  At all :P.  When things don't go the way I want them to, I try to sort things out on my own and then I remember to pray.  To top it off, I usually mumble and grumble before handing it over to God.  Prayer is usually preceded by unanswerable questions or dumb remarks, like "Why?", "I don't get it" or "Not now!'.  As if I'm entitled to know.  As if I, a flawed human, could've planned it out better than He has.  My pride turns me into the Chihuahua who thinks they're a Great Dane.

I'm going through a situation right now that many might find unfair, as I have felt it is many times, to be completely honest.  It has me asking some of those silly questions and comments (don't worry--it's not as hopeless as I'm making it seem).  I'll reveal the details in a later post, but this is an issue I have to bring to God on a daily basis.  I notice that when I don't, I tend to obsess over it and try to control the situation myself, even though I'm very limited in what I can do.  Though the actual circumstance might be foreign to you, I know we've all wanted to have control over the source of our worries. Ironically, worry in itself is a dysfunctional form of control (one that I struggle with!), my mom mentioned this to me once.  

It's as if I think that gnawing on a thought or concern long enough is going to improve the situation somehow.  When I try to control a situation, I'm taking hold of the reigns and basically telling God he can't do it and that it's my turn now.  Isn't this essentially the definition of pride?  Setting ourselves up as God's equal, or much worse, his superior?  Though I'm not sporting a purple robe and reciting scriptures verbatim in Hebrew, I might as well be; my behavior is pretty much that of a modern day pharisee.  I become the older brother who asks his father where's my party? when things don't go my way.

Here's a good excerpt from the book that applies:

Why is the older son so furious?  He is especially upset about the cost of all that is happening.  He says 'You've never given me even a goat for a party, how dare you give him the calf?'... He's adding things up.  [The older son then says] 'I've worked myself to death and earned what I've got, but my brother has done nothing... where's the justice in that?' That is why the elder brother refers to his record. 'I have never disobeyed you!  So I have rights' he is saying. 'I deserve to be consulted about this!  You have no right to make these decisions unilaterally.'

That's pretty much my line to God when I'm frustrated about how things are panning out.  The elder son felt powerless (as I do), and compared to his father (who represents God in this story), he very much was.  Keller explains how Jesus leaves the parable open in the end, the father extends an invitation to the older son to attend his younger brother's party, and it's up to the older son to accept.  I too have to decide if I am going to accept what God has offered and is perfecting for me in his time or if I'm going to make my own plan, which will likely end in failure and more disappointment.

God is love: a simple but often difficult TRUTH to grasp!

This is the verse quoted by Lee Strobel at the end of his book, The Case for Faith. My husband and I watched the movie last night, and we both enjoyed it. We had to pause the movie here and there, though, to discuss our thoughts about the different issues that were brought up (and such good ones they were, watch it!). The two big issues are/were those regarding the existence of a truly loving God in a world filled with suffering and the often-controversial core Christian belief that Jesus truly is The Way, The Truth, and The Life. Now, I'm not writing this to start any kind of debate or curse anyone to hell, in fact, I'm here to talk about my aversion to both of those things, particularly the latter.

When Lee Stroble and the theologians he interveiwed used the crucifixtion to explain God's intensely real love in a world filled with sin and pain, Jose paused the movie for a second. He said something I've already heard before, but he said it in a much more obvious way. It's true that God's people are his bride and he is the bridegroom, it's mentioned in the Bible and repeatedly discussed among Christians -- but what if we were to simplify that even more?

Let's put it in much more 'human' terms. God's love for us is like a husband's love for his wife; it's very romantic, actually. It is unconditional, steadfast and faithful. He wants to woo us so that we love him with abandon; he gave us the most beautiful rose, the promise of everlasting life, and he wore a crown of thorns to prove it.

Jesus. Here is a perfect man who said he came to save the world, not condemn it. And there we are -- lost and confused, wanting change in our hearts and the hearts in those around us, but we are a slave to our human condition and we can only do so much. We have abandoned our God for things that, in the end, only cause us more suffering. It's a vicscious cycle and we want out, but when the issue of hell arises, we're angry that any 'god' could send people he supposedly loves to such a dark and insufferable place. It's as if hell is the major roadblock to people accepting that Jesus is the perfect and loving son of God, next to suffering. (For a great explanation on suffering's existence and how it doesn't contradict with the reality of a loving God, read The Case for Faith!)

But Jesus didn't focus on hell when he was on Earth, he focused on the promise of Heaven and hope. He did correct those who damned people to hell, though. Think of Mary Magdalene, the prostitute he rescued while she was being stoned, he claimed that no one was worthy of stoning her. He corrected the Pharisees, men who falsely advertised their supposed 'faith' and 'allegiance' to God with their (very corrupt) "pious" ways, but they totally missed THE POINT -- Jesus. He literally made friends with sinners and the sick; leopers that no one would touch, he healed. People that no one would associate with, he befriended and called disciples. He outstretched his hand - actually, both of them - the very same ones that were nailed to a cross not only to save, but to express his (literal) undying love for every one of those sinners. Death (and resurrection in this case) is the ultimate sacrifice for sins, the ultimate display of real love.

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.
John 15:13

Jesus. Here is a man who longs for us similar to (but stronger than) the way a groom longs for his earthly bride; he would do anything to save her, even if it means undergoing the most painful and undeserved death. Here is a man who, when you say I'm sorry (even though you've cheated on him with sin, and let's admit it, we've all screwed up!) -- he never brings up that wrongdoing again! Even if you feel guilty about it, you shouldn't, because he's already forgotten about it.

For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.
Hebrews 8:12

But so many of us have this image of an angry and difficult to please God who's always on our back about something, we forget that he is on our side and that he has our back. I am guilty of this. Growing up criticized again and again, and verbally abused even for the littlest things, I developed a somewhat distorted view of God. Unfortunately, the Bible was sometimes used to condone this criticism, and even though I tried my best to follow God in my youth, I often felt I could never please him. I heard that God loved me, but it was hard to truly believe just how much, especially when I felt I wasn't good enough.

In turn, I wasn't sure who was right and who was wrong, so I asked God to show me; I asked him to make himself real to me, I wanted to know who he really was. When I went to college and left that emotionally unhealthy environment, it was easier for me to see the truth. Now that I look back, I realize he was there all along. With my weak human strength, I could not have made it. I felt so desperate for a solution and lonely at times, but those were the moments I literally cried out to God. Even though I didn't understand him, I knew he was there and that was enough to get me through a rough childhood alive, emotionally and very much physically too. Being able to look back and clearly see that is part of my answered prayer, and God continues to make himself known to me every day.

Still, there are moments the guilt unexpectedly creeps in. Sometimes it comes after I've already asked for forgiveness for a wrongdoing (i.e., saying something hurtful, thinking something unloving), and other times the guilt resurfaces when I've picked at the scab of an old wound (I get stuck thinking about the past). I'm glad I can take comfort in this verse:

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
Isaiah 43:18-19

I don't believe I'm sugarcoating the message of Jesus when I say that his love (and not condemnation) should be emphasized when we minister to people, both with our actions and words. He came to offer grace and forgiveness; he came to save and not condemn. Remember, it is said...

If you had known what these words mean, 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice,' you would not have condemned the innocent.
Matthew 12:7

Jesus begins his ministry in the heart of the individual, he reaches out to us in very personal ways. If we are curious in the least bit, if we want to better understand who God really is, he will reveal himself to us if and when we ask. However, as followers of Christ, when we condemn anyone to hell, we are creating a roadblock for God to reveal himself in their heart, because that condmenation hardens it. After all, Jesus interceded on Mary Magdalene's behalf, he saved her from the stoning, so who are we to cast the first stone? By doing so we are only contradicting Christ and, at that point, we sincerely have to ask ourselves whose side we're on.

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.
1 John 3:16

What's in your luggage bag?

People-watching at the airport never gets old. You can always get a glimpse of someone's personality based on how they pack when they're going on a trip. You have...

Type A: The neat packer with the nice (possibly designer) luggage bag and purse, nothing too bulky or loud. They're probably the 'professionals' in the bunch who are used to traveling with the least amount of 'baggage'.

Type B: They strut a big black luggage bag, big purse, big backpack. They're the type that pack a little extra underwear 'just in case'. Just in case, what? I'm not sure :D. I can make fun of this group because I contribute to the mix.

Type C: They're seen carrying loud suitcases with tacky decor; an unraveling gaudy Christmas ribbon is fastened on the handle of each luggage bag. You'd be right to guess they've packed an entire wardrobe with a theme to match that of their vacation spot. :D

In the end, everyone's got baggage. And we all think it's safely packed away when the zipper closes... that is, until we get to security-check :). They see it all. Even the bags we don't carry-on the plane get scanned; privacy is nonexistent for safety's sake, and I don't mind one bit.

In life, which type are you? Most of us probably fall into the first category. We carry our purses or handbags full of the things we just can't seem to part with. Even if we clean 'em out, they always get full of gum-wrappers, old receipts and movie ticket stubs. To the outside world we seem to have 'it' all together. We're neat-freaks, figuratively and maybe even literally speaking. Yet we're still carrying around the junk that won't get past life's security check. We'll have to leave these things behind; this time it's for our soul's sake.

Jesus spent most of his time on earth around the physically and spiritually sick, or those who would admit to needing him. Tax collectors and leapers were his pals. Repeatedly, Jesus says he 'was sent only to the lost sheep' (Matthew 15: 24). The only ones who found healing were those who "came and knelt before him" (v. 25) or reached out and touched his cloak: "And wherever he went—into villages, towns or countryside—they placed the sick in the marketplaces. They begged him to let them touch even the edge of his cloak, and all who touched him were healed." (Mark 6:56) There wasn't anything standing in the way between them and the final destination, healing.

Our baggage literally holds us back from receiving blessings and every kind of healing, from the spiritual to physical. When we're getting ready to travel and leave the safety of our homes, we pack the extra belongings we 'think' we might need. Usually we're just creating more work for ourselves; more stuff to carry. They're things that way us down; more junk for security to rummage through. In the end, we simply make the trip even more stressful than it already is. And, of course, our carry-ons are full of the objects we really need, they represent the items we cling to -- maybe they're our most 'priceless possessions' or stuff that keeps us entertained.

Our spiritual baggage is made up of all that we "must rid yourselves of... such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander..." (Colossians 3:8). Let's not forget, "'It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick." Jesus said this when he dined with 'the lost sheep'.

Many of us view God as condemning, someone who will judge and show no compassion, especially in regards to sin and the baggage we cling to. It seems we fail to acknowledge the verse that follows: "But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy and not sacrifice'..." (Matthew 9: 13)

It's true that "Great crowds came to him, bringing the lame, the blind, the crippled, the mute and many others, and laid them at his feet; and he healed them." (Matthew 15:30) It also holds that Jesus came to offer relief to the lost sheep from the ailments that separated them from him. Though God is the ultimate judge, Jesus said, "For I did not come to judge the world, but to save it" (John 12:47) He is the intercessor we can hand our baggage to with confidence; he is and truly offers security. He will sift through every unnecessary thing we've packed; he'll tell us what's safe to carry on the journey, so long as we're willing to draw near and give him the baggage that separates us from his healing hand.

Psalm 69:5
You know my folly, O God; my guilt is not hidden from you.

Isaiah 59:2
But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden his face from you, so that he will not hear.

Daniel 2:22
He reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what lies in darkness, and light dwells with him.

Job 28:11
He searches the sources of the rivers and brings hidden things to light.

Everyone's Calling

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
Ephesians 6:12

Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.
Romans 8:17

I've read those verses before, but I'm just beginning to understand the connections between the two. I used to believe that the only people who truly suffered for Christ were those who were on the mission field, serving him in the rawest, realest form... so ignorant to believe that, I know. Then I finally realized, this entire Earth is a mission field and we don't even have to interact with anyone to be 'in the battle'; the most obvious battleground is the mind.

If you're trying to live for God, Satan's going to do anything he can to stop that from happening; he doesn't want to be lonely in hell, after all. These days, you're the Job and he's still the same Satan that went up to God and asked for permission to test him. Job lost his property, family, health... but not his God. That man refused to turn his back on God even when his own wife falsely claimed that he'd already turned his back on Job.

Was Job a missionary? Not in the way we use that term today, but his obvious love and devotion to God did minister to those around him and his story still ministers to many today, including myself.

I had a Job day today. It was rough, probably my own fault (I inhaled gluten while baking something for a friend, this sounds crazy but when you have Celiac disease it's a big no-no) -- it still frustrated me. The tummy troubles continue and today they were worse than ever, the pain almost sent me to ER, no joke. I hit a low point where the only thing I could do was pray, as I was losing hope in my body (and realized I was a fool for placing that hope in anyone but God in the first place).

Psalm 22: 4
For he has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help.

Times like these, I have to make the extra effort to not let myself get sucked into taking the paradoxical easy way out -- the one that only produces bad results, negative thinking. But as I was balled up on the bed, asking God for guidance and patience, he reminded me that this truly is not a 'struggle against flesh and blood'. It occurred to me that I could confidently cry out to God because I've been trying to put him first in my life, then I realized that's exactly what Satan does not want.

Satan is unhappy, this means I'm doing something right, and he wants to wrong me because of it. Satan enjoys doing this to you and me because he knows how much it hurts God to destroy his creation. The evil one had to ask God for permission to cause the pain and God allowed it to happen. Some might think that God is unfair, but no, he isn't. This is a chance for my relationship with Christ to be strengthened. At my weakest point, if I am still trusting Jesus, he will only bless me for it. This doesn't mean I'll have an instant answered prayer and wake-up cured tomorrow, this does mean I'll have the antidote for my own spiritual illnesses: God's everlasting love and the promise of eternal life that won't include any kind of physical suffering whatsoever.

A man's spirit sustains him in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?
Proverbs 18:14

The truth is, as God's children, we are all called to be missionaries; to minister to the world with our own lives, with the choices we make, with the words we say. I often fail miserably; I have the pity-parties. You know, the drawn-out ones that are followed by migraines and puffy, tired eyes? I even have the occasional annoying bad attitude that likes to rear its ugly head when the gut starts acting like a monster. <----These are all things that get me nowhere fast.

Like in Job's case, some might say I have every reason to be angry at God. Doctors have told me everything from "If you ever want to have kids, you'll have to take fertility pills because of your defunct ovaries" (don't like to talk about that much here, just bringing it up to make a point) to "Sorry, there's no cure for your digestive problems, you'll probably be in pain for the rest of your life." But one thing that keeps me going is a wise saying used by a pastor of a church I used to attend: "Don't ask God why, ask him what. 'What am I supposed to learn from this Lord, what is all this for?'" So this is what I did today, and the content in this post what he put on my heart as the answer.

I don't know what you're going through, but we all experience our own version of hell on earth at one point or another. It's obvious we can't trust the state of the economy; we can't know that we'll have a job tomorrow, we can't even be certain that we'll be able to stay healthy so that we can support our families financially. We can only trust that God is faithful and so is his word. Christ said this battle isn't about tangible things but spiritual ones for a reason. The only things we can control are the thoughts that enter our mind and what we do with them; our attitude and heart. The person who gives us the strength to do this right is with us all along, we just have to be willing to cry out to him, even when Satan tries to stifle us.

If you've read this and it's encouraged you, that's the answer to the second part of the above question: 'What is all this for?'. Never underestimate God or his ability to use your negative situation to encourage someone.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Psalm 73:26

Maybe Sparrow

Matthew 10:29
Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father.

Luke 12:7
Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

Job 12:10
In his hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind.

The first is a verse I often here quoted when worry related issues arise. We're told to have faith that God will work things out because he even protects the sparrows. But that doesn't mean we're supposed to just have faith or just trust and pray...

Getting a picture of the sparrows outside my apartment yesterday morning wasn't easy. It was cold so their feathers were fluffy. Still, they were happily chirping away, probably celebrating Spring's oncoming arrival and a sunny morning without snowfall, rain or high speed winds.

Then I enter the scene. Huge black camera in hand, big black coat on, scarf around my face, glasses on, the works--I probably looked like a monster to them. They see me. They're gone... I spent the next 10 to 15 minutes looking for a gutsy but photogenic birdie that might've stuck around. Finally found one, he's pictured hiding behind a branch. The rest followed their God-given instincts and flew away...

So why is it that when we're afraid or worried about something, we expect God to do it all? Even sparrows know better...well, some ;).