Fall trip

Things have slowed down a bit around here. We decided to get out of the house last weekend (we've been cooped up for about 2 months!)... it was time for a trip, a low-key one. The fall foliage is at its peak, the weather is crisp and things, really, couldn't be better. I appreciate all of your comments and kind words/thoughts/prayers. Thankfully, everyone's doing well. The appointment last week went smoothly; we got to see our kiddo wiggle, he was asleep but the nurse insisted on waking him up so we could catch of glimpse of the baby in action. It's so cute and little! This ultrasound was from last week, I took the picture with my phone which is why it's a bit blurry:


I have a feeling I'm going to be one of those moms that takes too many pictures of their kids :P... but at least he/she doesn't mind now :)!

So our trip last week... it was so fun and relaxing. We wanted to go apple picking again this year, but with the clot issue creating a need to rest/not walk around so much, Jose and I thought an adventure to the Berkshires would be appropriate.

Stockbridge, MA

Located in what I'd call the East Coast countryside/mountains, the Berkshires, home to a group of small cities, is the place to visit when you're in Massachusetts. We spent most of our time in Lenox and Stockbridge, where we wandered over to the Norman Rockwell museum. (FYI, this is where Rockwell's Stockbridge Main Street at Christmas painting comes to life every year around Christmas time.) Then we headed over to The Berkshire Scenic Railway for an old-time train ride. Literally old time! No heating, rickety and a little rusty... the whole shebang, so fun! The scenery distracted us from the bitter cold :), especially during the train ride.


The drive up there was an experience in itself; it's going down as one of the most scenic drives I've ever taken. Ah... and dinner! Instead of staying over night and spending more money, we decided to treat ourselves to a nice but affordable meal. I just can't wait for Thanksgiving, so I had turkey, veggies, cheesy mashed potatoes, homemade cranberry sauce and the best butternut squash soup! Jose enjoyed a yummy pork/date stew with a potato cake, veggies and broccoli/bacon soup.


The restaurant is part of a cozy bed and breakfast! It was freezing outside when we arrived (I was wearing long underwear, makes a big difference!), so the warm vintage cottage-like restaurant/inn was extra inviting. We made reservations, got there right at 5, and had the whole place to ourselves. Mr. A and I got to chat and enjoy a good meal, with tea and hot chocolate... I love dates :). So what's the name of this restaurant I keep going on an on about? It's Rumplestiltzkin's (cute name), located in Lenox, MA!

View during the train ride.

Praying for another miracle

Life is one trust-fall after another. When we think we're standing tall and confident, God's down below ready to catch us. Even though we can't see him, he's caught us plenty of times before. So why is it then when we have to take a new plunge, we hesitate as if it's the first time? As if a human with arms that can easily break is standing in God's place?

I've had a love-hate relationship with doctors, well maybe not hate ;). They can be such pessimists, quite cocky too. They'll tell us we have no chance at life sometimes, then God miraculously intervenes and they're left speechless. They'll say we need surgery for our bodies to work... then, after much prayer, our bodies kick in to gear -- God's responsible for those gears, but most doctor's won't admit that.

My reproductive endocrinologist laughed when I walked into her office a few days ago. She said "I guess I just had to scare you about the surgery ;)." I was a little irked, I know it was a joke, but little did she know about all the praying taking place behind the scenes. The fact that I conceived this baby has nothing to do with her and everything to do with God. But whatever, I laughed too and held back my human need to lash out like a smart aleck. And like the surgery is a laughing matter, in any context?

I hold the same bitter feelings toward the curt radiologist who's been analyzing my past two ultrasounds. Yes, the guy knows what he's talking about, and I guess I can't blame him for being the temporary bearer of bad news. The first ultrasound revealed a large cyst on my left ovary; thankfully it's gone now. But there was something a little more worrisome in this last ultrasound. A blood clot between the placenta and uterus, or what they call a subchorionic hematoma; they happen in about 1% of pregnancies.

It isn't tiny but it isn't huge... but it is three times the current size of the baby, which is scary. Sometimes these blood clots will be reabsorbed by the body; other times, the body bleeds them out... unfortunately, other times there's a total loss because the clot causes the placenta and baby to totally dislodge from the uterine wall. I had some cramping and mild bleeding before the ultrasound, but the nurses said it was "normal." The radiologist later said it was the clot causing the bleeding. I'm praying my body's getting rid of it, but I do freak out every time I start to cramp. Needless to say, I'm taking it very easy until the next ultrasound. This clot could grow or disappear, I'm hoping it'll disappear without any more bleeding. Let's face it, bleeding during pregnancy is scary.

So here I am again, at God's feet. Praying for a different miracle this time... I know he can sustain the life of this child. When doctors say they can't do anything more, that's when he intervenes (but, obviously, he's been known to intervene a lot sooner). My mom had full placenta previa when she was pregnant with my brother, then the placenta moved "by itself" (aka thanks to God's hand). I was born with a hole in my heart and that "magically healed on it's own" ;). Who am I to question God's omniscience now?

I've already had the talk with Him. This is his kiddo before it's mine, I know, so if he wants it back in heaven, I can't argue. It won't be easy to deal with, but he has his reasons... and so far, all the reasons for the previous ugly situations in my life have turned out to be pretty good ones :). For instance, I wouldn't be married to my best friend if not for some other ugly occurrences in my life. I've learned that nothing is a coincidence.

It's been too long...

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow's House (& George Washington's :)

It's been too long since I've written a real post :). I was full of energy and doing all sorts of things last weekend, but oh how things can change over the course of one week! One day pregnancy hormones are barely at 100 and three days later they're around 1000, no complaints! Thankfully all is well, I'm just a little tired these days :).

I did want to share a few photos from last week's trip to Longfellow's house. Well, I guess it really wasn't a big trip, considering we walked there :P. I can't believe how long it took us to find out about this place, we've lived only a few blocks away this whole time! It's definitely one of the most beautiful and well-maintained historic homes I've ever visited. They've done such a great job of preserving it (by they I mean the family). All of the furniture is original and only the window treatments and carpets were restored (but in one room everything is the same!).

Both George Washington and Henry Wadsworth Longfellow lived in this gorgeous house at one point, though at separate times. The deed didn't actually belong to Longfellow, though. When it came time to purchase a home for his new family, Longfellow was struggling to make it financially as a Harvard Professor by day and poet by night (this was before he made it big) . So Longfellow's wife's father stepped in and purchased the home as a wedding gift. What a gift!

Years before that, Washington lived here (I think it was around the time of the American Revolution). The neat thing is, he also fought alongside Longfellow's grandfather, so the two were coincidentally connected.

My favorite room is Longfellow's office or "poetry room". This is where he did his best thinking and writing. I instantly felt like a giddy little kid at Disneyland when the guide told us about this room's significance. It's pretty cool because Longfellow wrote his poems standing up behind a podium, not sitting down. And the original podium is still there! :) And this is where the magic happened, the podium is in the second photo.

Below is the dining room area and the exact table where Longfellow entertained guests like Charles Dickens and Ralph Waldo Emerson.


Below are photos of Martha and George Washington.

Everything is original in this room, from the window treatments to the wallpaper (sorry it's crooked, the area was roped off :)


Here's a small glimpse of his huge garden:


A blurry picture of Longfellow (poor lighting, sorry no flash!)

Miracle

This is the 4th picture of this darn test I've taken. I'm gonna be a mom! Honestly, this news took Jose and I by surprise, but not in the way you might think. This was definitely planned...

2 weeks ago I went to the doctor and was told that my hormones were so outta whack that I was going to need 1. Either IVF or 2. Surgery (a procedure called ovarian drilling). The doctor was convinced I would not be able to conceive on my own! At age 17, I was told that I would need medical intervention to have a baby (I have polycystic ovarian syndrome). I even took Clomid, a fertility pill, for 3 months and it did NOT work. I was convinced that God would certainly have to intercede, I was praying for a miracle.

I had a set date to see the reproductive endocrinologist this Wednesday, I was going to tell her that I wanted to have the surgery done.

Can you believe it?!

For the past two weeks I'd been praying that God would literally put something in the way to stop me from having this surgery if I wasn't meant to go under the knife...

Well, a bun in the oven is certainly a sign that I don't need to have the surgery!!!!!!!

... Cuz, ya know, that's the whole reason why I was gonna need to have the surgery in the first place!! THIS IS OUR MIRACLE!!!!

It should be due around mid May!!!!!!!

Weekend Project

Want a work-out? Forget about using an electric sander and sand that piece of furniture down yourself! I did a lot of sanding this past weekend. I have to say it was pretty intense, considering how hot and humid it was. But I had so much fun!

I spend a lot of time in front of the computer for work, so the slight exhaustion I felt after completing these two little projects was actually nice! The first piece of furniture I made-over is at the bottom, it's the white bookshelf. I didn't get a chance to take a before photo and I almost forgot to take an after picture. The after picture was taken at the last minute, in my poorly lit kitchen, so I cropped-out the yellow-tinted background :P. The paint color I used is called white cotton. I put on 2 heavy coats of primer and 2 coats of paint. Other than the sanding, rolling on the primer took quite awhile. I think I primed it too much? Not sure.

The second piece of furniture that received a quick weekend make-over is the abandoned 2 drawer end table pictured directly below. I found it next to someone's trash can last year when I was taking a walk, so I picked it up and carried it home. It was too cute to throw away because it had potential. I was initially thinking about painting it white, until I saw what it looked like after a bit of sanding. It was even cuter than I thought it'd be and the wood smelled so nice! I didn't add a drop of paint or primer to the wood after sanding it down; instead, I focused on roughing up a few of the edges to give it a rustic look. I then replaced the ugly metal knobs/handles on each drawer with two vintage spools (I used two because each drawer has two ugly holes where the old knobs would be).

Before:

After:

Materials:

This primer is awesome!:
Bookshelf after (before it was a not-so-pretty light brown particle board color):

Choices

Are you a planner? I sure am. Boy, do I love to have control over every little detail of my life. Mostly because my life has always been a bit of a roller coaster; lots of moving around, lots of unexpected surprises, etc. So I like to think, and this is a flawed way of thinking, that if I plan something just right, things will work out. I know God sympathetically shakes his head back and forth when I do this, but I also know he has a loving heart and understands my obvious insecurities and fears.

These days, in spite of a situation that I don't really have much control over, he's giving me peace. Maybe I should say that he's using this particular situation to mold me into a person who trusts him and can receive peace, as a result. So why don't I cut to the chase, what's the situation?

I guess I've been giving in to societal norms; Is this what people talk about openly? I ask. I feel like I'm hiding a part of myself in doing so. It shouldn't make me feel uneasy; it's not like it's some kind of behavior I can modify or even an issue that has a quick-fix. In fact, it's just a condition, a very common one that many women are diagnosed with. I should not be ashamed to discuss it. Funny thing is, in having to preface the issue so much I'm revealing that it does, in fact, make me insecure, even now. I'm still a bit hesitant to share this so openly, as you can see. But the big loud-mouth in me is ashamed for being such a dull coward; I want to keep it real.

About 8 years ago, I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). I'm what they call a thin cyster. Nope, it isn't supposed to be spelled sister and you probably know this if you've just googled PCOS :). Basically, my ovaries produce cysts instead of the monthly golden egg. Why does this happen? This Thursday I found out, thanks to a great reproductive endocrinologist, that one of my hormone levels (LH) is 3-4 times higher than it should be, and this leads to cysts, irregularity, anovulation (infertility)... and acne, and a host of other fun conditions, but these are the only ones I've dealt with.

I don't know why that LH hormone is so high, and neither do the docs. In fact, they don't really know what causes PCOS... yet. I'm not banking on my docs finding a cure any time soon, so when it comes to having a kiddo, my options are a bit limited. Remember all that planning? I've recently thrown all my plans out the window. Instead of making plans, I'm praying for grace, peace and wisdom on a daily basis.

My options are IVF and an interesting procedure/surgery called ovarian drilling (or ovarian diathermy). The first? Not sure I'm a fan. Don't know if I like the idea of freezing some of my babies in a test tube, donating the spares to science, or reducing. The second? To be honest, the name totally freaked me out. The idea of my ovaries undergoing electrocution doesn't exactly sound fun to me. I also googled it and freaked out when I read the potential risks (early menopause, scarring etc.).

After my doctor appointment this past Monday (before receiving the test results), I came home feeling defeated. What am I going to do? Was the question of the day. The doc says I'm resistant to Clomid (a fertility pill that didn't work for me), and now my options are pretty limited. Yuck, I don't like surgery. Blah, IVF?! I let myself freak out for a little while, then reality stepped in and slapped me silly: All things are possible with God.

So I said: God, I don't know what to do. Give me your wisdom so that I can make the right decision. I know I'm scared about the surgery, but I also know that your perfect love casts out fear. So if I'm meant to undergo that funky procedure, replace the fear with peace.

What happens?

When the nurse later calls on Wednesday to tell me the bad news, she finishes the call with: You're in the hands of a great doctor, she's really going to help you out. Let it be known, before the nurse said that, I was thinking about ditching that great doctor. Part of me was mad at her (the doc) for limiting my options, I thought maybe she could do more. Who cares if she's a Harvard Med school graduate and a director at the top gynecology hospital in the world... and has 20 years of experience, on top of that? That, my friends, was cynical and peace-lacking Sophie talking.

God uses people to talk to us. He also answers prayer. I don't know if God is going to take this thorn from my side, but I do know that he will give me strength and peace I need to make it through any situation, if I ask for it. I've been doing a lot of asking and even thanking. Thanking? Yes. This is a situation that God can use, it's a blessing in disguise. I'm ready for anything, with him. I have to admit, I was scared out of my mind at the thought of ovarian electrocution (that's not the medical name for it, but it sounds kinda exciting saying that :P). But ever since that phone call (and ever since I've been talking to God more about it instead of coming up with more things to worry about), I have a new sense of peace when I think about undergoing the procedure.

That procedure sounds enticing because, right now, with this funky hormonal imbalance, I have about a 40% chance of suffering a miscarriage. That is, if I can even get pregnant. (After the procedure, my risk goes down to about 12% and there's about an 85-90% chance that I'll produce my own eggs without further medical intervention.) Not only that, but IVF is risky for many reasons. One of those reasons is: fertility shots. Because I'm small and young, the doctor thinks I'll over-respond and produce too many eggs. (She even mentioned octuplets; I told her my life is exciting enough without a reality show, thank you very much. :P) With the shots, I risk developing ovarian-hyperstimulation syndrome, a potentially life-threatening condition which can be exacerbated by my size.

Nothing is written in stone just yet. I'm also taking the proactive approach by starting a 5 day/week exercise routine, eating a little better, and signing up for acupuncture. Those things can improve the situation and help me feel better, in general. My main source of strength? The only certainty I have: this did not happen by accident, it is a part of God's plan, and he'll work it all out if I'm willing give him the go-ahead by relying on his strength and perfect love.

This is what it's all about, after all:

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God. Romans 8:18-21

The Beggar

I'm usually the beggar instead of the giver; asking God for more with an ungrateful heart instead of offering what I already have, the little that can be used. I'm still learning that it's when I've given myself over to him, weaknesses and all, that I can receive the greatest blessing.

What good of me is there to give?
A failed attempt to change or
the change, in my pocket?
A few quarters and pennies?
I have more than that.

My head knows what it means to bow
but, truly, only in fear;
reverence is a place I have not arrived at.
Trust is weakened with my plans.

I
look up only to ask
and other times
I
forget WHO is there.
(I
don't always say thank you
because
I
Usually ask why?

...I, I, I instead of
You.)

You will give
When I have given
More than I have offered or sacrificed.

I've lived my life in alphabetical order:
Me comes before You.
But You ask me to break the rules of convention,
Open my heart to only you and
an intervention

where

holiness replaces all the holes
and fills me with
You,
Then I will have enough
because
It will be your
love
I'm
giving.