OMG OMG OMG

My body might actually be working on its own folks!!!!! This is an ovulation test, not a pregnancy test... I'm so excited. Had to share here since I have some fellow PCOSers that read this blog! This is so exciting. I hope I'm not getting too excited over nothin'. It's a FRER. (Taken with my phone. Sorry it's blurry.)
NO MEDS, people!!!!!!

What I want for Christmas :)...

These are actually old photos, but at least I'm ahead of the game with a Christmas theme. These past few weeks have been interesting. Mirabel and I took turns getting pretty sick. The last sickness rendered me pretty useless as a mom for about a day. I actually had to wean her during the daytime because of a medicine I had to take. It was rough the first few days, but she's doing great now, and she doesn't even request a nursing session during her naptime! It's great. She's even sleeping better at night, as if she's realizing that she doesn't need to nurse to sleep. Last night was a little different, but I think it's because we had quite a few guests over late into the night for a Thanksgiving party (I believe the sleep issues had to do with over-stimulation).

She's starting to express herself a lot more. During the weaning week, it seemed she was having quite a few of these expressive moments, aka tantrums. I wasn't sure what to do. I felt like I was doing something wrong. After a bit of reading and praying, I realized that it wasn't that big of a deal, and that I just needed to tweak a few things here and there. I've learned not to take her bad days personally. Also, sometimes these meltdowns are just a result of needing to be held more (since I'm not nursing her, and she's always been very attached). So having more cuddle time during the day has helped. Also, she understands a lot more than I used to think. I have conversations with her during the meltdowns. It actually helps. I've even been able to talk her thru the screaming sessions in the cart, at the store. I explain to her that she needs to sit in the cart for awhile, and that she can get out in a few minutes. She understands, I think. But then she starts to scream again after 20 or so minutes of grocery shopping. Then I ask her to please say "out" and if she's able to communicate that to me without screaming, I give her a little break. SO far this is working, it might change today though ;). Just trying to keep up with all the changes. This is the most interesting developmental phase yet. We're still working on sharing. That's a little tougher...

And maybe it wouldn't be so tough if she actually had a sibling. Which brings me to the second major topic of the month: pregnancy. Nope, I am not pregnant. Not even close. I don't even know if anything is working. No sign of fertility; the clock isn't even ticking. This is why I have an appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist scheduled for December 13th. I'm a little excited, but also not looking forward to riding the infertility roller coaster once again. Hoping for a second miracle. Clomid didn't work that first time. I'm not sure what's next. I'm also a bit hesitant to use the stronger stuff, after hearing the correlation between drugs that raise estrogen levels and breast cancer. Adoption is always an option, too. I would like to have one more, though, then adopt. But God's plans might be a bit different, which is why I'm trying to keep him in the picture (instead of trying to plan EVERYTHING).

Oh, and Jose passed the bar! He's already been working for a few months, but it seems that ever since we found out the news he's had to work nearly 12 hours a day and even on weekends! Glad he has a job, though, which is another reason why we feel it's a good time to have another one!

So TRUE

Just found this on Facebook. Took the words right out of my mouth.

Being a mom is the best and most difficult job. I love doing it and am so glad that I have the opportunity to stay at home with my little girl. She keeps me on my toes, but I like ballet :).

Friendships

There are no strangers here; only friends you haven't yet met. -Yeats

Relationships inevitably evolve with time. But I had no idea that the way we form relationships can also change as we change. I care more about what I should and less about what I shouldn't, to put it simply. Acknowledging that people's judgements stem from their own insecurities has helped. But realizing that most people are looking for sincere friendships (or needing them) has influenced my interactions with new acquaintances even more.

We can assume that our neighbor doesn't say hello because they don't like us. But that's cynical. Maybe they're just really shy. (I'm slowly learning to give people the benefit of the doubt.)

I assumed this about a neighbor once. Then I decided to randomly, and rather loudly ;), strike up a conversation from across the street because I stopped caring about what they could offer me. Thankfully, it worked. It turns out that neighbor is kind and just reserved.

Then I wonder what other relationships I might be missing out on as a result of my negative assumptions and selfish expectations.

Though this isn't completely enlightening, I'm learning that I need to be the friend I'd want, and without the favoritism. But it goes beyond that. Being only that kind of friend would be selfish. True friendship is grounded in sacrifice. Putting someone else's needs before our own; loving like God loves us.

If someone lonely is struggling spiritually and they aren't able to be the kind of friend that I want, who am I to keep my friendship from them just because they cannot uplift me? Respect in friendships is a must, yes. But not being someone's friend simply because they don't meet your expectations of what a great/spiritually uplifting/well-rounded "kindred spirit" should be doesn't mean they don't have the potential, or even the need for that kind friendship from you.

John 15:13 There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friend.

I'm finding that verse applies to more than our physical life. It also applies to our daily interactions with strangers/potential friends.

Friendship is the ministry we are all called to. It doesn't require a PhD or red cape.

Mad Hatter Meets Pee Wee Herman ;)

AKA My latest furniture re-do

Formerly an old blue dresser that wasn'tprimed (so the wood showed thru). Initially bought it back in Boston for $40. Transformed with extra fabric (I have too much fabric that I never know what to do with because I don't sew very well :P).The letters were purchased for $0.98 at Hobby Lobby. Pretty inexpensive to re-do. Cheaper than buying a new dresser. If you see green along the top edges of two drawers, it's because I didn't make the fabric cuts long enough (and I didn't cut the fabric straight enough :P, so I used green lace to hide the evidence.I also learned that pinking shears are the best thing to use if you don't want to use anti-fray glue (or you're too lazy to look for it, if you do have it) <---- I'm guilty ;). I have a good excuse for that: most of this project was rushed and done at around 6 AM or during naptime.

Never stop learning

My daughter is one of the best teachers I've ever had. I love how she doesn't care what anyone else thinks. She will not hide her feelings; she is honest. She knows how to use her vocal cords. And of course, she is only 1.

Before becoming a mom, I had no idea that children were born with certain personalities. I thought a child's character could be 100% molded by their parents. That isn't the case. God gives them a soul, and our job as parents is to smooth out the rough edges; it's an honor given to us by an artist who knows what he's doing.

Having a baby really is like opening a priceless Christmas present. I love the gift God blessed me with. And he knew exactly the kind of kiddo I'd need to become a better person, not just a good mom.

If you would've told me that I wouldn't sleep thru an entire night for 16 months straight, I would've freaked out. I would've started trying to PLAN (which I have a tendency of over-doing). I would've said that I couldn't do it. Wow, would I have been wrong.

I'm no supermom. Jose and I tried a couple of different sleep-training approaches. We thought it might be time to do a little "cry it out". We'd go back in and check on Mirabel after a few minutes, or he would. I tried just not nursing her and staying with her, but that resulted in 45 minutes of crying and refusing to sleep for another hour even after giving in. Then we agreed that it'd be best if Jose attempt the sleep training, since he doesn't have any milk :) (maybe she wouldn't be reminded of what she's missing?). I trusted that Jose would do the right thing, and we both prayerfully approached this. Mirabel is our first and we really want to give her our best, and we never want her to feel insecurely attached. So with that, we let her cry for a little. I could hear her on the monitor. I couldn't take it, so I just prayed and stayed in the room while Jose went in to console her before he left for a few more minutes. After a few minutes of this, he decided to stop. I didn't blame him. He said she was shaking, the way she was shaking in a terrified way while we were on the subway in Boston.

We've learned that our kid has different cries. She has a tantrum cry, a tired cry, and a terrified cry (among others). This was a terrified cry.

So we decided to re-evaluate the situation and try a different approach. We discovered that some of her sleep troubles were related to tummy troubles. We listened to our gut, even though we felt pretty alone in our struggle (since most of our friend's have done CIO quite successfully).

Going back to the first paragraph, Mirabel has taught me a lot. She's taught me to not care what parents think when I'm trying to grocery shop and she's screaming in the cart because she wants to run around and examine everything on the shelves. She's taught me that parenting is a lot easier than we all think. That's just it, what WE think, not what everyone else thinks. We know our children better than anyone else. Because they are born with unique personalities, they require different parenting approaches. There's a reason why they weren't born with a handbook or user's manual.

I realize things might be completely different with our second. We could have a kiddo that is able to go to sleep on their own after just a little crying.

God wants us to ask him for guidance regarding our children, not compare our situation to our neighbor's. We should all be willing to support each other, despite our different parenting approaches. Yes, my child is not an infant and she is still nursing. Why? Because she wants to and I don't mind. Am I spoiling her? I don't believe I am. In fact, only in the US is it typical to stop nursing by age 1. But does this mean I'm judging anyone else who stops weaning before age 1? Absolutely not. I'm not even judging those who don't even attempt nursing. I don't know their story.

All I know is that I love my kid and I'm trying to do the best I can; I acknowledge that I'm going to make mistakes along the way. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, so I'll say that the moms I know out there are trying to do the same thing.

A few weeks ago at a meeting I attended, a quote was shared that went something along the lines of "you're going to make mistakes as a parent, but there should be enough love there to cover those mistakes." I think that line sums up successful parenting better than any book or child psychology article I've ever read.

Imperfections

As a little girl, I loved dolls. I played "mom" but never really cared to have anyone fill the role of the father. I never really dreamt about being someone's wife. The idea of marriage seemed so far off and foreign... but, oh, I could not wait to be a mother. I used to say I wanted 10 kids (of course, this is before my little brother came along ;). One birthday I even remember receiving special diapers small enough to fit my dolls, and I was elated.

Funny thing is, until recently, I never had any idea how much that child's play impacted my way of thinking as an adult. I'm sure there are many ways to psychoanalyze this situation, and I have. But I'll just say that I've put too much pressure on myself to try to be "the perfect parent". The first person to point this out was my husband's uncle, who is a psychiatrist. :D

I'm not playing the martyr. Believe me, I have failed plenty of times. The funny thing is, it seems I failed the most when I was trying my best to not make any mistakes. I don't want Mirabel to look back on her childhood and ever doubt that I loved her--that's been my greatest driving force.

I'll get down to the heart of the matter. I'm tired. Really tired. But I've allowed myself to let my fear get the best of me, so it's really my own fault that I'm so tired. I've read so much conflicting data on the best way to get a little one to sleep thru the night. Not to mention, I'm bringing my baggage along with me, so I'm too scared to try anything. I've made so many excuses, but I've finally decided that I really do know what's best for my kid. Not the most enlightening discovery, but to me it is. I've doubted myself too much. Now I'm making a decision and sticking to it...because it's what's best for EVERYONE, not just my kid.

That's what I wasn't taking into account before. Mirabel still sleeps in our bed. Poor Jose has started sleeping on the twin mattress that was supposed to be Mirabel's!!! My desire to be a good mother should not conflict with my duty to be a loving wife. Jose has been so understanding, and he never complains. He knows my heart, and in the end he just wants us all to be happy, so he has never said anything. A discussion I was having with a friend over the sleep issue is what brought my role as a wife to the forefront, and I'm glad it did.

I don't mean to sound like a 1950s housewife. I'm not trying to say that it's my duty to make sure to keep my husband happy (LOL). That's his responsibility (and, thankfully, I'm married to someone who knows that). But marriage is a holy sacrament. If Mirabel sees how I let her sleep in our bed, instead of her dad, she will grow up to believe that husbands should come last.

A strong marriage creates the foundation for a strong family. Without it, everyone suffers.

Jose and I are happily married. I love him more now than the day we got married. I don't remember the last serious disagreement we got into, but I want our relationship to grow even more. I want to be that old couple in love, the ones who still hold hands after 50 years of marriage. But if I want that later, I have to do something now.

I'm not going to take the complete Cry It Out approach. But I'm also not going to let Mirabel sleep in our bed and munch at Mom's 24 hour Diner until she's 10. I'm also not judging anyone, though. There will be a few tears, but I will comfort her. I'm sure more of those tears will come from me. But this is what's best for EVERYONE.

I didn't even realize that I was idolizing motherhood. Because of how tired I am, I often fall asleep before thanking God for his many blessings. Jose and I started doing Bible readings together, but by the time Mirabel goes to sleep, my eyes are already pretty heavy. It's true that a strong marriage creates the foundation for a strong family. But God is supposed to be the one that keeps it all intact. I know he wants my attention, too.

So tonight starts my version of sleep training. I'm so tired of reading books/articles. In the end, we're just doing what works for us and makes us all better people, not perfect people.