terrible no good very bad day

Ever have one of THOSE days?

It's been more of a week for me...

So this morning I walked outside and saw that the front passenger window of my 6 month old car was completely broken. Someone lovely broke in and stole our GPS. Thankfully our insurance covered the window, but not the scratches left behind on the door or the GPS. This is what happens when you leave your GPS in the front window and can't afford a $1000 garage parking space in Boston.

I got a call back from the Audiology department this week. This is actually good news, but I haven't shared the bad news. The reason why I have to go in the first place is because Mirabel failed her hearing test TWICE in her left ear. The second test they did showed that she cannot pick up certain tones in her left ear. So the doctor says there is a good chance she is partially deaf in that ear. This is very sad, but thankfully she has some hearing and has enough to talk/babble. Our insurance will not pay for the $2000 hearing aid though.

The little girl is having major sleep issues. She is waking up 2-4 times a night and sometimes she'll wake up very, very early and just talk to herself. The good news is she actually isn't screaming her head off, but unfortunately she is always hungry and will eat like she's ravished. I'm thinking it's because my milk isn't enough anymore? But she only eats every 1.5 hours at most. And the thing is, she isn't eating for long periods. She gets very, very distracted...so maybe she's just making up for it at night?

I really really need to count my blessings more these days!!! It's been rough...

Almost 5 months

Like pulling off a bandaid

Last night, as I was making my usual rounds on Facebook :D, I came across this article rather indirectly. A few of my friends recently became fans of the blog, so I was curious to find out why. I skimmed the post titles until that one stopped me in my tracks. Broken and child in the same sentence--I knew it was going to be a tear jerker but decided to read it anyway.

I've had a couple of conversations with different folks throughout my life about childhood. Their childhoods, my childhood--all very different, and yet pretty similar in some respects. All of us wanted acceptance and stability. Basic needs that are rarely met these days, or so it seems. And before the conversation with these folks comes to an end, I usually say the same thing: "Dysfunctional adults are just hurt children." It sounds like such a hopeless statement, like an excuse for the vicious cycles of abuse and unhappiness to continue, huh?

But it doesn't end there, or at least it doesn't have to.

I later stumbled upon this article. The need to appear perfect--I agree that's a disease many of us suffer from.

It seems that as hurt adults, we only have one characteristic that distinguishes us from the children we once were. What's that? We've learned how to keep our bandaids on permanently. Anger, depression, or knowing how to perfectly appear perfect replace Johnson and Johnson in our world of invisible emotional bandaids. When a bandaid's been on for this long, it really hurts to tear it off. It almost become a part of our identity. But healing can only happen when it comes off. When the raw wound is exposed, healing begins.

I don't know about anyone else, but I make excuses to leave the bandaid on. What if it gets worse, and I have an even bigger infection to deal with? What if others judge me? Let's say I admit to struggling with a need to appear perfect, and I admit my struggles, but I'm still criticized for those struggles. Then I'll want to put the bandaid back on. If anger is my bandaid, what will be my defense mechanism when I take it off, if I'm judged for revealing who I am?

I am aware that there is a healer who will not judge me. He sees the bandaids and the wounds beneath them. But I'm just beginning to understand that fully. I can't imagine taking off the bandages without being able to trust that healing will come, and that I will be accepted for who I am.

I understand that many can't or don't want to view God as their healer precisely because they feel he will judge them, or because, sadly, his supposed "followers" have judged them already. But this is the truth: God will not judge because he, above everyone, knows that the bandaid isn't you, and that the wound beneath the bandaid was inflicted by someone who was also hurting. It's encouraging to know that when God sees us, he acknowledges the wounds and bandages, but he also sees our potential.

Why? Because when he sees us, he sees perfection; a new creation. There is a reason for this: It was by Christ's wounds, the ones he received in love by those who could not love, that we are able to experience healing in the first place.

Fully comprehending that is a life long process. I still have my fair share of bandaids. Ironically, many of those have to do with not having a father in my life, but I would have many more had I not known my spiritual one.

Amazing

Now this is one strong mom! Read this and this.

My favorite animal

...well, one of my favorites :).

I recently started using one of those baby ring slings, and have to say that a simple piece of fabric has saved my life! Or just my arms ;). Mirabel likes it because it's not as constraining as other carriers, and she out grew her other carrier. I tried the beco butterfly and was thinking of getting an ergo but she can't stand being that tied up. The ring sling allows her to be more free...and I sometimes think she looks like a baby koala when I carry her around in it...

More to learn

Fall is finally rolling in. This afternoon we went for a walk and I was still cold, in spite of wearing a heavy sweater and pants. But it was a refreshing kind of cold. The breeze was just right; a little more sunshine would've been nice, but I'm trying to focus on the positive :).

These past couple of years that we've lived in Boston, I've been a bit of a hermit. Most of the time, Jose and I just spent time together on the weekends, and I'd usually busy myself with crafts when I wasn't working. But now I'm feeling the need to be more social, or maybe I'm just noticing that engaging more with the outside world really is an important part of having a healthy and balanced life.

As soon as we got back to Boston, I jumped on my computer and searched for local mom meet-ups. So I've been going from one meeting to the next, hoping to find a group that I feel I can "belong" to. I'm still lookin'. It's interesting how there are so many of these groups set up to help moms feel like they can still socialize with adults while caring for their little ones.

At one of the meetings, hosted by a doula and lactation consultant, one of the leaders mentioned that they initially set up their specific mom group to help mothers feel like they can reach out to their community to get support. She also said that things are a bit different now compared to when she was a young mom, because more families are separated by miles and neighborhoods are usually empty during the week, since many parents work. I could relate to the first observation she mentioned. We are definitely miles away from family. As far as the second thing she mentioned...well, where we live, we are surrounded by grad students. Their bedtimes are usually still in the very early AM hours, as opposed to 10 PM.

So you can see my reasons for wanting to meet other moms: all of us coming together for similar reasons. You'd think that we'd find some common ground, right? Hmmm... though everyone was pretty friendly, and most of the moms have similar issues that they're dealing with, I still notice that more common ground is required for friendships to form. I know that's pretty obvious...

...But I guess I was hoping that our coming together for the same reasons would be enough. We all want to feel like we're in this together, and that we support each other-since most of our families are far away. We could be pseudo aunts for each other's kids maybe? Oh, if only it were that ideal. I'm not saying it's impossible, but I have to admit that community just doesn't provide for me what extended family and sincere friendships can. Those friendships can certainly blossom out of these one-hour-a-week interactions, but it seems a little forced sometimes... and I'm remembering again why it is I have/had my hermit tendencies, and why I never really liked/got involved in "groupy" type of activities in the past...

Sometimes I just don't feel like doing the "hi, how are you? I'm from blah blah blah" thing. That's what I love about having family and real friends. Then I laugh because I realize that all friendships begin with these simple conversations. Still, friendships are the best when they happen unexpectedly. When you casually come across someone interesting and just so happen to effortlessly strike up a conversation with them--yes, it's a pleasant surprise and you actually feel refreshed after that initial meeting, instead of drained...

That's it, I think I've figured it out now!

You know that feeling you get when you walk into a room filled with the people that make you you? Or when you're surrounded by the familiar folks that see you and love that person anyway? Yes, that's what I miss. Not having to try. I miss it even more now as a mom, because I'm realizing how important that sense of security is in raising a child. Jose and I can definitely provide love and security for Mirabel, there is no doubt about that, but she deserves that and more. I know some folks say that it takes parents to raise a child, where others would say it takes a village. I believe it takes both, but unfortunately my village is scattered throughout the US. I know I can invite others in, but when you first have a child...it's nice to already be surrounded by that special group of people, instead of having to go out and find them all over again.

To end this on a positive note...living here in Boston these past 2 plus years has really taught me to appreciate my relationships a lot more. We'll be going back to Texas in just a few months, and thankfully that's where Mirabel's grandparents live :). I'm just thankful that we will be going back, we won't always be just the new mom and baby at the meet-up group.

Watching our bunny grow

...been doing some of this lately. What I like about digi scrapbooking is that there isn't a mess to clean up afterward :)!
images from here