Thankful for Home

Up to this point, I never really owned anything other than student loan debt ;).  Though we don't fully own our house yet, it is in our name and we didn't need a co-signer to buy our home, unlike with student loans (Yay! We're growing up! :).  I don't remember the details of the papers we signed over a month ago, but I remember the feeling of relief I experienced when I unpacked the last box and actually got to throw it away.

The truth is, I've never really had a place to call home.  All the moving I did throughout my life probably contributed to that feeling.  I've lived in a lot of buildings, but this place we're living in now has become more than that in just a few weeks.

We got to pick out the lot that we wanted; we were here when there was just a cement block above a pile of dirt; we got to see the bones of this house go up, the framing and the windows.  At times it felt like it would never be completed.  I remember the anticipation I experienced before meeting my husband, before getting pregnant, before going to college... always waiting and waiting; it felt a lot like that.

Growing up, I knew what I wanted but I hadn't seen it in many places, and that's the other reason why I never had a place to call home.  I wanted to know what it felt like to feel secure, and to be able to exhale and just be.  I wanted that for myself and I wanted it for the children I wasn't even sure I'd be able to physically have.  I wanted to create that atmosphere with the kind of husband I wasn't even sure existed.  Home was an idea that felt distant and unrealistic.

There are a lot of things we do to interfere with our greatest hopes, consciously or not, because sometimes they are rooted in our deepest fears.  I have been blessed with a place where I can breathe easy and feel secure, a home, because of the people that live between these walls with me. But in the same way that a building wears over time if we don't invest in it, a home cannot be abandoned once it's been unpacked, figuratively speaking.  We made it here because we were brought here together, after overcoming obstacles apart, but to keep this house a home we need to overcome our daily obstacles together, so that we don't slowly grow apart.  My greatest fear is unoriginal: I don't want to lose the ones I love most.  God brought them to me, and he's the one I need to depend on daily to keep them here.

I hope my children stay close forever.  I know they will go their own way.  Maybe they'll go to school out of state, or study abroad, or travel, but I hope that they always feel at home where we are.  If we depend on ourselves alone, though, we will fail by default because it's human to repeat cycles.  A house only remains a home when the foundation is unconditional love, built on the one whose love for us never changes even when our lives and situations do.  That's the kind of place we all need to come home to.

Music Therapy

On days like this 

I AM SO THANKFUL FOR GOOD MUSIC LIKE THIS:

...and Spotify :).

Thankful for passion and intelligence

Last night, I met an answer to prayer.  She is so passionate about what she does that her work doesn't actually seem to reflect itself as work, at least not to me.  As cheesy as it sounds, her passion inspired me (or made me even more excited to start school some time soon).

This sounds a lot more serious than it really is.  For awhile now, I've wanted to talk to someone about my firstborn, the one who is the topic of many blog posts :).  From birth, she's been an interesting character.  She came out screaming and pretty much hasn't stopped.  If there's a loose thread on her clothing, she screams; if she has to get a haircut, she screams and shakes in terror; if her sock gets a drop of water on it, she'll scream about that.  She doesn't exactly bounce back the way I've observed that other children her age do (and I actually have observed kids her age.  One of my favorite classes in college.)

So with a lot of prayer and research, I found this amazing lady who is a quirky genius.  I walked into her office and everything was polkadot, even her glasses.  She had tea cup lamps and whimsical pens.  She actually said that when she purchased the home she transformed into an office, she told the contractor that she wanted it to look like a hobbit lived there.  No joke.  I found a kindred spirit.  I am just as weird, but she's got the mad skills I wish I had, that's for sure.  I've never seen more books on child development and related topics.  Her walls were covered with artwork from her patients.  She's a grandma who looks like the fairy godmother on Cinderella and has 40 years of experience in her field. And, more importantly, she doesn't stop learning.  I'm not ashamed to admit that I hope I'm that cool when I'm 60 something.  She's serious, too, but not in the uptight kind of way; she's so serious that she used to lecture at Stanford.

Let me tell you, in that hour visit I had with her, I think I learned more than I did in all the courses I've ever taken on the topic combined.  And there is so much more information out there.  Neurological diets, for instance (these things aren't fads, people).  Yes, there's a reason why there is a diet for Autism.  Did you know that Ritalin synthetically does what certain chemicals in food can do, but without the crazy side effects?  Did you know that people usually become alcoholics because their serotonin levels are low? Do you know about the brain-gut connection (I was familiar with it but not enough)?  Have you ever considered that maybe children are diagnosed with more behavioral disorders today than ever before because they don't get enough Vitamin D, and Vitamin D deficiencies can lead to a host of other problems, including autoimmune disorders (which are also on the rise).  I was flooded with information, this is just a taste of what was served up.  What I liked most was that she actually provided literature written by respectable neurological psychiatrists; this isn't something you just hear about in a city like Austin ;).

I am hopeful.  It turns out, my parenting skills aren't as awful as I thought they were, either!  Apparently, I am doing some things right.  The truth is, I don't really know what I'm doing.  I believe that when we ask God for wisdom, one of the ways he speaks his wisdom to us is thru our instincts.  There are some parenting approaches I'd never heard of but just applied because they felt right, and it turns out these are some of the approaches she suggested for my particular kid.  This isn't my doing.  This is what I like to call an obvious answer to prayer.

I am excited about applying some of these new techniques and learning more about them.  I think the worst thing anyone can do as a parent is stagnate, or lose the passion that they had when they first met their bundle for the first time.  Holding onto that passion requires having the intelligence to admit that you don't know as much as you think you do, and that maybe it's ok to ask for help.

And I'll end this with another note of thankfulness.  I'm thankful for the obvious, my husband.  Tonight, I'm thankful that he isn't just here, any dad can just stick around.  But he is equally as interested in learning about what it takes to give our kids our best.  Because I said I would include a song in every thankfulness post, I'll share one of my favorites of the year.  The words are the reason why I like Hard to Tell by Young Galaxy.  They don't make 'em like this anymore, and that's also how I feel about my husband :).

All I Want

I'm not very good at keeping up with themed posts.  But I like the idea that many of you have, so I'm going to join in on the thankfulness fun, with a weekly or biweekly tune to go with the theme.

One thing that never gets old is music.  Mirabel is such a fan; I love that she's a music critic at such a young age (ask me this again when she asks me to change the song on the radio for the millionth time in a row :).  Mirabel's untamable spirit is also very refreshing, and I am so thankful for it.  She is the most outgoing little person I know.  She also doesn't know a stranger which can terrify a mom.  Everyone is her friend, until they take her toy, of course.  If she says hi and you don't greet her in return, she will keep saying hi until you respond.  So all you people who don't like children, watch out when she comes around.  The most emotional kid around, maybe, but I already see how this is going to be a positive thing long-term.  She is empathetic and sensitive to the feelings of others around her (again, not necessarily when toys are involved), and she even cries when others cry.  She will not be the cowering kid in the corner afraid of the bully; chances are the bully will be afraid of her, and I'm sure she'd eventually scare them into being her friend, in the friendliest way possible ;).

I'm thankful for this spirited kid today.  Thankful for her love of music and her friendly, fiery spirit that sees potential in every person she meets.  I hope she never loses that.

I heard this song by Kate Earl many months ago.  I thought it was cookie-sweet and sentimental, but the better part of it reminded me of Mirabel so I added it to my Spotify playlist, anyway :).  Being a mom to this kid isn't always easy, but today I'm thankful for everything she is, because of her I don't stagnate.  Creativity parenting is a must with this character.  But her personality is as colorful as her sense of style :).

What's funny is that Mirabel asks me to skip this song when it comes on.  Not peppy enough for this tiny dancer, I guess.

All I Want by Kate Earl

Easy, it will never be...

There are a lot of moments that lead me to ask myself if I really know what I'm doing.  Not when it comes to life, but when it comes to being a mother (though motherhood is my life right now ;).  I often here that marriage requires a lot of work, but I don't think parenting ever gets as much emphasis, though I find it more challenging than anything I've ever done.  I've never prayed more in my life than after my children were born.  Being a mother doesn't bring instant gratification, because you aren't rewarded for your efforts right away (at least, not always), but I can say that having to depend on a source outside myself (God) has yielded a greater reward than anything else.  I've learned the definition of joy.

As a kid, I knew there was a difference between joy and happiness, but I couldn't quite explain it because I didn't understand it.  Happiness happens as a result of an experience, but joy is something that exists apart from experience.  It's intensity doesn't wane after a bad day, but it sustains us during our trials because it is rooted in our faith which is as invisible but alive as we allow it to be.  Trials are an inevitable and even necessary part of life.  They test our faith in our Creator and everything he claims to be.  He claims that he is good and all-knowing which can be confusing to us.  What is equally confusing is that Christ was fully aware of the suffering ahead of him (his heart was heavy in Gethsemane the night before his arrest and crucifixion) but he was also aware of the glorious end and the ultimate good that would result from his obedience to go to the cross, because he was God incarnate.  He knew sadness and betrayal.  Gethsemane was not a happy place, but joy was still there.  His obedience to follow God instead of fighting happened as a result of his joy.   He had a heavy heart, and he even cried, but his obedience instead of rebellion proved that he knew God was still good.  He drew near to God instead of running away, or avoiding his responsibility. He was able to have faith in God's goodness in spite of his situation, and that is true joy.

Now, going to the cross and being a mother aren't exactly on the same playing field ;).  Sometimes it feels like torture. (Hah!  Sorry, but it's true.)  Not quite as bad as being tortured emotionally, spiritually, and physically on a cross.  That in itself is a source of joy for us, though.  I think the hardest part of motherhood is wondering if your child understands.  If they really know that you want the best for them and that they need to trust that you want to help them make wise decisions (sounds familiar).  Sometimes I feel like I'm speaking a completely different language.   I pray for wisdom and words; the wisdom to find the words to communicate with my child so that she understands the reason for our rules, and the reason why I cannot give into her deafening screams, and give her what she wants.  It's overwhelming, and sometimes I just shut my mouth and let the moment happen (in slow motion, it seems) while I utter the simplest prayer that we've all probably prayed at some point, whether literally or sarcastically, "God, help me."

Funny how that can escape our mouths whether we believe in God or not.

And you know what?  He answers my prayers.  Not always right away.  But I'm supposed to be an example to my kids, right?  I can't have a tantrum when God doesn't give me what I want, when I want it.  Sometimes I do, though, and sometimes I just eat too many desserts, instead.

I often wonder if I'm capable, and I forget that I'm not supposed to be.  None of us were equipped to handle parenting or anything in life alone.  There is a reason why kids don't come with a handbook, so that we don't even try to go it alone.  We're supposed to depend on their Creator; he brings people into our lives.  He even speaks to us thru our children, of all people.

Just this weekend I told my husband that I was afraid I didn't have what it takes to be a "good" mother (whatever that means, right? ;).  Guess how the weekend ended?  Well, almost in tears.  There were a lot of frustrating moments.  But guess how one of the frustrating moments ended?

My strong-willed firstborn: "Mommy, let's pray [and this is going on randomly when I'm taking her to the bathroom, after a heated moment]. 'Thank you God for the lesson and thank you for Mommies.'  Mommy, I'm not gonna cry and scream in church, ok?"
Me: With a tear stained face, still recovering from the billionth tantrum that morning, now laughing.  I'm speechless, and just give her a hug again.  Then, I cry again, because I realize that this is God's way of showing me that my efforts are not fruitless.

It's easy for our hearts to become hardened during our struggles.  I speak from experience.  Sometimes, I don't pray for days.  It's not something I like to admit, but I get mad at God too.  I get angry and bitter.  But let me tell you something.  We've been trying so hard.  And this parenting thing requires a group effort; the more the better, seriously.  Jose and I are trying to make a habit of starting our mornings in unified prayer, and not just at dinner.  We don't always feel like it, sometimes we get frustrated when we don't receive an answer, but we've kept going.

I can say with confidence that I would've missed out on that moment with my 3 year old if I would've given in to bitterness instead of joy and stopped praying.  Why?  She isn't much of a sleeper and likes to wake up before the sunrise, sometimes she hears and sees us pray.  She asks a lot of questions; she wants to know what we're doing.  We've also been trying to pray with her more often.  Sometimes prayer isn't something I engage in very easily, and I've always wanted it to come naturally with my kids.  The only way is to introduce it to our kids at a young age.  But let me tell you something.  I didn't give her the words to pray that morning in the bathroom.  I've never even used the words, "thank you for this lesson" when praying with her one on one.  I've never heard her say, "thank you for mommies" in any other context.

I think her prayer is an answer to my prayers.  When I asked God to help me, he answered.  He didn't shout from the heavens, "I Am!" but he spoke thru the very person I'd been praying for.  He is helping us; he is moving in her heart.  It's not up to me to change her; I can only control my own actions.  I can choose to not harden my heart when I'm faced with the daily challenges of motherhood, or any other struggles.  When I choose to have joy by trusting in God in spite of my circumstances, I am also given opportunities to experience happiness in ways I couldn't have if I had chosen anger instead of joy.  Happiness and joy aren't the same thing, but there is a connection.

New house, new blog

I'm not sure where my other posts went but if someone can explain why they didn't import, please let me know how to change it :)!  New house, new blog.  Pausing to reflect on the positive.  Life isn't always perfect, and it's important to be honest, but at the end of the day there is still time to be grateful for the many things.  And THAT should be the focus when life is chaotic (as it usually is ;).

We're settled down.  All of the boxes are unpacked.  I think this has been our hardest move to date (mostly because there are two children under three involved).  So I did a few things, like not sleep or wake up at 3:30 AM, to ensure that this place looked like a home instead of a storage facility with weird smelling boxes (has anyone ever noticed how the UHaul boxes smell?).  I snapped a few pictures of the place before we cluttered it with my junk and a billion toys.  This house is a little smaller, so we got rid of about maybe one or two walk in closets worth of stuff.  How do I accumulate so much junk?  I am worried about the storage long-term, but let's be honest.  People like me who are addicted to buying holiday decorations are better off in homes with a one car garage, to save us from ourselves.  I am constantly in a battle with myself.  Now, before anything comes home, I ask myself where it's going to end up.  I like that!  Saves money and dusting!  Less stuff to accumulate dust, I really like that!

So here are a few pics of our home.  I tried to capture my favorite thing about this place.  The many trees, windows and nice bathrooms (weird?  Maybe a little).  26 total--windows not bathrooms.  Yes, that's a whole lotta windows.  And let me tell you, window treatments are not cheap.  But natural light is priceless, to us at least :).

Welcome to the new blog, and our new home! :)

 Kitchen

Back yard, missing some of the grass. 

 Windows in the stairway

Downstairs

Master bath